What Lies Beneath the Illusion- Thorki Fanfic (Prequel to TGTPTW)

Chapter 3

 I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling as cold air blows all around me. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door and Thor walks in as I turn into Banner "Am I interrupting anything?"

 "No." I state, pulling on some pants "What's wrong?"

 "I just..." he sighs and looks at the ground "There's a few things I need to ask you." He frowns "About Loki..."

 "Come. Sit." I smile weakly at him and he sits in the bed next to me "What do you want to know?"

 He's silent for a long moment, before clearing his throat "Did he think that I didn't care for him anymore?" I give him a confused look and he explains "That, since New York and, since the convergence, that I didn't want him in my life? That I didn't love him?"

 I'm silent for a long moment, before scratching "I-he." I sigh "Loki felt like a burden. He felt like a burden before New York."

 "What?" Thor asks, before scuffing "How was he a burden before that?"

 "Loki felt like he was a burden since he moved out of your room, in Asgard." I explain, before continuing "Loki felt like Thor didn't really notice Loki's existence, other than the two words they shared during supper."

 Thor sighs and rests his head against the headboard, shutting his eyes "I bet he never knew that I often spent the days sitting on the floor above him to watch him work." He chuckles "He does this thing, where he sticks his tongue out a bit when he's reading." he scuffs "He's done it for as long as I could remember. And he never knew he did it."

 "I've never noticed it." I shrug, before leaning against the headboard.

 After another moment, he asks "Did Loki have an issue?" I give a confused look and he explains "He's kind of emotionless all of the time, and from the sounds of it, he slept with everyone."

 I give him a bitchface, which he smiles at, causing me to sigh "He seemed to sleep around because he craved affection... or maybe he did it to push emotion away."

 "What?" he asks and I shrug "That makes no sense."

 "Well, Loki didn't like to be vulnerable; he didn't show emotion." I explain, scratching my neck "He probably couldn't hold in the emotions, so he fucked them out."

 "That's another thing I don't get." he states, before explaining "How is he sexually attracted to pain?"

 "Well..." I shrug as a blush creeps over my face "First of all, it's not all pain. It's sexually stimulating pain." I explain, catching his eye "For instance, he might have enjoyed smacking, or biting, or scratching, or shocking, or something."

 "Come to think of it..." Thor frowns "I think I've seen a bite mark on him before."

 "Bite marks are hot." I smirk and he gives me an odd look "Loki said that once, to hulk."

 "Kinky bitch." Thor grumbles and I scoff "I wonder what got that in his head."

 "The guilt." I say, without a second thought "He felt like shit because of New Mexico and he started wanting to punishment himself. It ended in Italy." I scoff "He fucked this dude and got smacked." He gives a disgusted look and I shrug "It was a pleasurful punishment. He couldn't get rid of the guilt from New York, so he tried just about everything to fix it. Hints, masochism."

 "Makes sense." he sighs, before grumblingly "I wonder why he never talked to me about his emotions." He scoffs "He used to turn my bad dreams, good. When we were kids."

 "You knew about that?" I ask and he nods "He didn't want you to know that."

 "Why?" he asks.

 "He didn't want you to know that he cared." I state, before sighing "He was always in your shadow... and he doesn't want everyone to know that he's a wreck, in case the throne fell to him."

 "What do you mean?" Thor asks "How was he a wreck?"

 "He hates himself." I shrug, a weak smile plays on my lips "He often lays in bed for hours, just wondering if there was a reason for him being alive. If he has evil in his blood, or if there was something that could have been done." I let out a shaking breath "Everyday, he does that."

 "You speak of him as if he was still here." Thor sighs and I give an apologetic look "I miss him."

 I scoff and he gives a weird look "He never thought you'd miss him." he gives a hurt look and I shrug "He never thought anyone would miss him."

 "Why would he think that?" Thor asks.

 "He acted like he didn't give a shit." I sigh "But he loathed himself ever since he was a child." I clear my throat and explain "People on Midgard call it depression."

 "Depression?" Thor asks, looking to me "What's depression?"

 "It's feeling angry, sad, tired, nervous, self-loathing and numb all at once." I explain, before continuing "Even when he smiled, he was depressed." Thor looks to me in concern "He did bad things, because he felt bad. And he got away with his tricks, because he was used to being the background."

 "Your saying..." he leads off, before seeming to get his words, but in a sad way "Did I cause his depression? Because I blocked his time of spotlight?"

 "You really are a moronic oaf." I grumble. He gives a confused look and I sigh "You didn't cause it." I reassure "It's a chemical imbalance in the brain."

 "Then what causes that?" Thor asks.

 "Loki was left on a freezing rock, left to die, as a baby." I explain, and he still looks confused. Good old Thor. With a sigh, I continue "The imbalance in Loki was caused by the neglect he had on that rock. He screamed and cried for hours, and nobody came."

 He seems to get it, but asks "Is that why he never showed when he was hurting? Because, when he did so as a baby, he was abandoned."

 The thought crosses my mind for the first time and I frown "I don't know." after a long minute, I look to him and shrug "Possibly."

 He scuffs "The last time Loki and I had a long talk, like this one, was a few years before my corrination." he chuckles, before looking to the bed "I remind he was in the library and I ran up to him and just sat in front of him." he shakes his head "And we talked about Mojnir for about an hour straight, before I told him that I slept with Sif. He flipped out and creamed at me about how I was an idiot for ruining my friendship with her and how it would never be the same."

 "And was it?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

 He shakes his head "No, Loki was right." he sighs "Loki was always right."

 "Maybe because you're a stubborn mule." I smirk and he frowns "You never listened to him and it drove him insane."

 "Yeah, Loki was always right, and I was always wrong." he shakes his head "I still can't find that I'm considered one of the good guys and Loki is the bad one." he scuff "Doesn't make sense."

 "Please, Loki was a little trouble maker." I sigh, before looking up at him. He looks horrid "You look like you get shit out by a leviathan."

 "Yeah, I should probably get some sleep." he sighs, before standing "Thanks for the talk."

 "Anytime." I smile, as he walks away "Sleep well."

 "You too." he smirks, before shutting the door.