Note: Hi :) wala lang gusto ko lang mag Hi :) Hello pala kay Omi, Kat at Astrid #JockieNatics and kay pusa. Hi boi.
"Bold"= whispers
Karylle
"Vice" It's already 1 am and I am still wide awake while I lay beside Vice and I don't even know why. After what happened earlier, Vice insisted to stay with me throughout the night. We are just facing each other and staring at the facial features we have, trying to memorize every inch and bit of our face.
I poke his back twice so he would wake up. "Bakit?" He asked then sat properly. "Do you want to drink coffee?" I asked him then he looked at me with a 'it's-1-am-for-pete's-sake' look.
"I just want to sip something while talking about stuffs." I said then stood up from the bed then walked towards the door. But before I turn the doorknob, I looked back at him and asked, "You coming?" He just nodded then followed me outside the room.
After making our coffee, I head straight to my couch in the living room where Vice is taking a peaceful nap. I tapped his shoulders thrice to wake him up so we can have our conversation over coffee.
Even if he is still a bit groggy, probably because he is really sleepy at this hour, Vice is still trying to keep his eyes open and sips a little bit of the coffee I made him. "Ano ba ang pag uusapan natin? Kurba naman eh, ala una palang ng umaga." Vice said while placing down his coffee in his lap then looked at me.I avoided his stare so I sipped my coffee while my eyes are closed. Wag mo akong titigan, I could easily fall under your dark gaze at me. Mi gahd.
"Actually, hindi ko rin alam. Parang bigla ko nalang naisipan na tumayo at magkape while having a small talk with you. Chill chill lang" I said and laughed a little bit. I looked up to him, then suddenly, our eyes met. Oh, god. those beautiful small brown eyes. The eyes that I will not get tired to look straight into.
"Ah, ano, why not, pag usapan nalang natin yung nangyari kagabi, kurba" Vice said then placed his coffee in the coffee table. Na-conscious ata siya sa titg ko. Nakakaloka ka, Ana Karylle.
"where do I start ba?" I asked then also placed down my coffee. "Siguro kung bakit na-trigger na naman yung ano, ah, ano mo, yung..." he was quite hesitant to finish his sentence so I finished it for him. "Yung sakit ko? It's okay, Vice. Hindi naman na ako sensitive while talking about this, hindi tulad noong dati. I'm very afraid. Actually this is a good opportunity for me to open up to someone."
"Ayun na nga, teka, ano nga muna ulit yun? Alam mo, K, nagtatampo ako ah, di ka manlang nag oopen sa akin about sam ga ganiyan ganiyan mo. Alam mo namang nandito lang ako palagi."
"Vice, it's not that easy to open up in situations like this. I mean, Isa sa mga bagay na iniisip ko kapag nag open ako sa tao e, mamaya they might judge me because of this. Madadagdagan lang yung anxiety ko. Give us time, all in the right time, Vice. Tulad ngayon, I am ready to share it with you." I calmly said. "Are you really sure? K, kung hindi ka pa talaga ready, It's fine. I'm willing to wait, for you, charot." Vice said while giggling because of the last thing he said to me.
Vice held my right hand then entangled it with his left hand and placed his right over it. "Go on, I'm listening" He said then smiled sweetlt at me. Oh my, Jesus. Wag kang ngumiti please, natutunaw ako.
"So, yeah, basically I am diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder. I've been experiencing hallucinations, mood disorders, na sinamahan pa ng depression. I was diagnosed 3 years ag-" I was about to finish my word but Vice cut me off. "3 years?! So habang nasa Showtime tayo at nagsasaya, nararanasan mo yan? Buong akala ko, you were fine kas-" I placed my hands on his chest to stop what he was saying.
"Whoa! Slow down, Vice! Anong nangyari sa 'I'm listening mo?" I asked then let out a deep sigh. This is why I hate opening up, I always get reactions like this, it's not helping me.
"Sorry,K. I was just, nagulat lang ako. Hindi ko in-expect na ganun katagal mo na pala siyang nararanasan. Go on, continue. Promise, mamaya na magco-comment ang bakla." He let go of my hand then pulled me closer on him and placed his arms over my shoulders. I felt the warmness of his hands and suddenly felt comfortable with it.
"I told my mom, my dad, Zia, Coco, and Yael. They all had the same reaction like yours, Vice. But a little more panicked. They kept on asking me, why? What went wrong, saan sila nagkulang, ano daw yung dahilan, and all that annoying stuffs. I was so annoyed so, I shut everyone off. I got tired by them who kept on bugging me and asking me 'are you ready now?' I mean, I get their point that they just want to help me, but they can't understand my situation. My anxiety grew more and more everyday, until one day, I became numb. Numb from every pain, everyone, from everything, basically. I started to turn back on God. I was experiencing Existential Crisis, until now, though. I've started questioning everything, how everyone could be happy even if they are missing a part of themselves while me, I lived every single day, drowning in sadness and pain. I left everyone. And now, I am feeling lonely, with no one to go to because I left everyone hanging two years ago. Then I don't know how I managed to go back have the courage after leaving you all." I saw how Vice' face changed while listening to me. His eyes were watery, he was trying to detain his tears.
"Huy, Bakit ka naiiyak diyan?" I asked him. "The hell, K! I've known you for a long time already. We have had our ups and downs already. Di ko sukat akalain na dumating ka sa ganiyang point ng buhay mo without even telling me, telling us. Kaibigan mo kami, Karylle. Bakit mo naman naisip na we'll judge you dahil diyan?" Tears started to stream down his face. "And now, I am regreting every single decision I've made in the past. Sana pinaglaban kita. Sana di ako naging duwag. Kung naging matapang lang sana ako, ako sana ang kasama mong haharap diyan." I can sense the regret in his tone. This man. He did nothing else but to stay with me. Now, I am regretting that 3 years without him. Out of all the people in the world, I knew he was never going to leave me. Naging tanga lang ako to assume na pati siya, will judge me after telling it to him.
"I'm sorry, Vice." That's all I could say to him. "Bakit ka nag s-sorry? Kami dapat ang mag sorry sa'yo kasi naturingan kaming mga kaibigan mo pero we were never by your side nung kailangan mo kami." He said then hugged me after. "I'm sorry kasi-"
"It's all your fault" "stupid"
"Vice! Vice"
"Die" "Fucking die"
"Vice! Help me!"
"Kill yourself" "fucking kill yourself"
"Stop!"
"Kill him" "Hahaha! You're gonna die!"
"K! Karylle!"
I came back to my senses once I heard Vice' voice. "Please don't leave me" I cried and hugged him tightly.
Magulo? Yep. The next chapters would be flashbacks so you can understand what's happening. Charot. Kala mo naman napaka relevant hahahahaha
anyway, paki boto ang ViceRylle babies sa SCA tsaka i-watch niyo yung vid sa YT, kahit nakakaburaot yung views HAHAHAHAHA
