Spontaneous Writings

life is precious

I have a fear. A fear of dying.

I always wonder what does it feel like when you die. do you really end up somewhere in the after life or if we only have this life. I am afraid to find that my life is meaningless and has no point. I would like to think that what I do will shape what happens later. I would also like to live my life to the fullest and have no regrets as I do not know if this will be my only life or not. I don't want there to be any meaningless arguments or deaths because life is precious.

I truly believe in the saying 'you never know what's truly precious to you until it's too late'. And in many cases this is true. For example a family member could get cancer that can't be cured, and you have to watch as they suffer and end up dying. This is my case with my grandpa as we found that he had got cancer and that he cannot get any treatment as he has gone past stage 1 and now he is going through chemotherapy and is getting worst. I don't know what hit me the most, wether that my grandpa wouldn't be there or the thought this could happen to anyone and that we truly do not know when our life could be over.

However this wasn't the first time I thought of this. I think I was the age between 9-10 when my best friend at the time was in a car accident with her parents and grandparents and she was the only survivor. I remember crying my heart out on that day and locking my self in my room when my mum told me the news. I just couldn't believe it. That my best friend could of died that day. I think that is the day that I had an awareness that we could all die and began to fear what death is like.

It is a scary thought. And I seem to have these thoughts constantly: about how does it feel when you die, what do you see, what do you feel, will I really see an after life or will be reborn again or will I feel nothing. I feel like the biggest thing I want to know is what will happen after I die.

The unknown is scary. But I am still trying to push ahead and not let life keep me down as I want to live and see what the world has to offer and achieve my dream as I don't want to let life slip away and I don't want other lives to slip away. That is why I decided that i want to be a Midwife as I want to be able to introduce new life to this world and I know the life of midwife is not all cupcakes and rainbows and there is a chance that the baby can be still born or a miscarriage could occur but I still want to deliver as many new lives into this world as i can.

I'm sorry for writing this but I felt like i needed to write this down for some reason and I really wanted to vent. I'm sorry if this is very gloomy, it's just these thoughts came to me tonight and I really had to get it out of my head. I have kept these thoughts in for a long time and decided it was time to let it out. Also hope you like the music at the top.