i had a dream last night that i put too many sweet pills in my mouth and swallowed them so i could stop feeling everything at once.
in my dream i stumbled down the stairs, tripped over nothing but the air and my head was so dizzy that i scared my mom and my siblings were scared and i started crying because this could be it this could be the end of me and all the feelings i feel.
but in my dream i could only spin and spin and feel my fragile bones shake and my head spin and spin and then there was just the dizziness in my brain and all the poisonous thoughts still circulated inside and they screamed into my veins and danced behind my eyes and choked me up until i wanted to throw up bones and everything that plagued me.
in my dream i finally fell to the cold floor and let the feeling surround me and swallow me whole yet i couldn't die my dream wouldn't let me die i want to die let me give up let me die just let me go.
i screamed in my dream to let it be real yet when my eyes opened at six in the morning i was still alive and i still had those ideas in my brain but all i could do is let the tears come to my eyes and curl up into a ball and let out all my struggles into a silent cry for help.
this isn't me asking for help anymore this is me screaming that my emotions are overthrowing me and coming to shatter my bones and fill my brain with the worst ideas that i've ever heard and i wish that dream was real even though i'm not depressed but suddenly i wanted to die.
just let me die.
