it's lunch and i think i already had too much to eat with the ziploc bag full of chips that my mom gave me before i left the house this morning and i've been waiting to have them all day
but even though i was so happy to have them after i finished them all i can't help feeling like i'm bigger than i actually am and i 'pride' myself in my small weight and the way everyone tells me i'm light and weigh almost nothing
he's doodling right beside me with music playing through our headphones as we listen to the same songs because of the headphone connector he brings every day and we listen to everything he wants to listen to and i sit by and don't say that i want to listen to artists i enjoy
my other friend is scrolling on her phone and the commons are so loud i can hear people over the music while they laugh and yell across the room and steal our chairs and throw food at us and it makes me want to lay my head down and just fall asleep but then he'll worry and i'll have to explain that i had a crash in my brain
it's all so dumb and i don't want to be here i don't want to sit here i don't want to feel here i don't want to live my life here stuck with people i've known almost my whole life yet they do everything to torture me and drag me down because they don't believe in me and they never have
i want to stand up and rip my headphones out of the connector and hide in the women's bathroom because that's the only bathroom i'm allowed in because i'm not manly enough for anyone and hide in a stall and skip classes because i feel like falling into a deep pit and breaking a few bones on the way down and struggling to catch myself as i fall down
my fingers will grab at mud and get caked with the wet dirt and i'll scream at the top of my lungs until my throat is dry and i can't scream anymore and then i'll finally hit the hard floor
only to find myself swimming in dark waters with yelling all around me again screaming and choking at me that i'm nothing and i'll never mean anything to anyone and that i'm a toxic person that everyone hates so much and only stand me because they feel bad for me
then i'll drown under the dark water and watch the sun disappear and i'll be alone finally away from everyone because they don't actually love me and i'm imagining it all
and it hurts.
