Why Don't We; Soonhoon

07

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THIS IS A problem. A big, big problem.

He needs to cut it off, ignore the whole thing, wish it away until it's really nothing more than distant, fleeting panic - a feeling he tricked himself into thinking was real for a day or two, nothing more.

Oh, but it's more. It's more when Jihoon's conscious goes into lockdown, filing through memories and emotions and trying to figure out when - when did it change? What happened that managed to throw things so off course?

And it's more when the smell of smoke reaches his nose and the water level rises around his ankles, and when his heart shakes like an earthquake in its cage because no it's not that intense - but he's never felt this way before, and his body doesn't know how to react, and yeah, okay, maybe it is a little intense.

It's intense and it's more, and Soonyoung likes laughing and leaning in close to him, and God, it's a problem.

But maybe it's not just him? Maybe he was being kind of stupid when he questioned Soonyoung's fixation on him, wondered how someone could be so unconditionally kind? Because handing someone their coffee like you do every other morning is one thing, but smiling that awful smile and telling them that you think they have pretty eyes is another, and Soonyoung did that, and Jihoon's not sure if that was a friendly thing, or - ?

"Are you fucking dumb, Jihoon? Is this what you called me for?"

"Listen - "

"I have a job, Jesus Christ, I can't afford to waste time talking on the phone with you because you're a panicked gay who doesn't know how to handle a crush."

"Seokmin, please - "

"He's flirting with you, Jihoon. No, it's not friendly, and no, he's not just being nice. He's whipped for you and the entire fucking city knows it, save for you. Now, do me a favor - get your shit together and leave me alone."

And just like that, his friend hangs up on him. The bitch.

"Wow, thanks," he says, rolling his eyes to no one in particular. "That was helpful."

"What was helpful?"

Oh, wonderful.

"Uh, nothing. Just a phone call."

Soonyoung smiles genially and leans one arm against Jihoon's desk to hold himself, using the other to hand Jihoon a brownie. They've gotten more comfortable, lately - or rather, Jihoon has. Soonyoung is still the same; it's just Jihoon who's acting differently. More welcoming, sort of. Less biting and more half-hearted grumbling.

"I'm going to die of a heart attack someday if you keep bringing me sweets like this, Kwon."

"But they make you happy, don't they?"

"Mmph," Jihoon scowls with his mouth full. "They're alright."

Soonyoung smiles like it's a proper compliment, though it so clearly wasn't, and lets his eyes flicker somewhere Jihoon doesn't quite catch. His smile tugs wider. Jihoon's throat goes dry, and suddenly chewing on this brownie is a lot more difficult than it really should be.

"Is there something you want?" he frowns, leaving the rest of the desert on a napkin in front of his computer and eyeing anything so long as it isn't within a foot of Soonyoung. The boy's eyes turn up like clock hands, cheeks shining against the incoming sunlight from a nearby window, and Jihoon thinks that maybe it would be a good idea to change desks to someplace more dark, someplace where he can't see Soonyoung's stupid fucking face so well.

"Nothing in particular," he says, rocking a little back and forth on his feet. "I just like looking at you." Jihoon swallows the urge to scream.

"Yeah, that's not creepy."

"Are you blushing because it's creepy?" Soonyoung's grin grows wider at his own words, and Jihoon feels like someone's just struck a load of matches against his skin - it's too hot, he doesn't know what to do when Soonyoung's looking at him like that, and subtlety really isn't working in his favor right now -

"Or is it because I'm the sweetest, cutest guy you've ever met? Are you flattered? Because I like that idea a lot more."

"Your confidence," Jihoon mutters, sinking more and more into the heat surrounding him, "is unbelievable."

"It's more hopeful, than anything. I mean, it's not like I've got anything to lose, Jihoonie. Not with you."

Jihoon eyes him cautiously, trying to keep his guard up despite the fact that Soonyoung makes it so hard to focus - and he's thinking, when did it get like this? Soonyoung, who's been pestering him for the last seven months and subsequently wedged himself somewhere among the meanest parts of Jihoon, makes him feel warm all over and awfully, horrifyingly breathless.

It had to have started somewhere. Maybe it was Gatsby, or Jane Eyre; something, somewhere, caught between all the caffeine and sugar. Maybe he should have never kept going with all the free gifts and coffee discounts, and maybe he should have never allowed himself to fall in line with Soonyoung's conversation, and maybe he should have never started working at the library to begin with, because he's got this beating, itching sensation enveloping his whole body and it almost hurts, and it wouldn't be there if it weren't for Soonyoung.

Soonyoung. Watching him kindly, talking kindly. Ever-so-kind.

Jihoon decides that it doesn't matter where it started, because right now he's here, and Soonyoung's here, and he's beating, itching, warm to the tips of his ears, and overthinking is really no help, at least not now.

So, as calm as he can, as I'm-not-panicking-at-all-what-do-you-mean as he can make it sound, he asks, "What do you want, Soonyoung?"

Soonyoung lets his arm fold against the desk, leans down so that his nose is level with Jihoon's, and the latter has to fight the urge to shrink away from the contact; his smile is all sorts of self-assured, but Jihoon's certain they're both the same shade of pink, pink, rosy pink, and he's also certain that he's never liked the color more. Soonyoung makes it all the more pretty, and Jihoon wants to choke on his own conscious.

"I mean, I wasn't going to say anything," he says, still smiling, "but if you're asking ... "

Jihoon swallows. Looking at Soonyoung burns like looking at the sun.

"I dunno, I guess a kiss would be nice."

And Jihoon's not sure what he was expecting, but this definitely was not it -

Soonyoung stands, straightening himself and shrugging, "But it won't happen, will it?" and turns to cross back over where the café is, leaving Jihoon, wide-eyed and speechless, stock-still at his desk.

Without really thinking, he moves his fingers to brush across his lips, and they're cold.

So. If you were to ask, Jihoon wouldn't be able to tell you where it started, and he might not even be able to tell you where it is now, but he can tell you this much -

Jihoon would very much like to kiss Kwon Soonyoung.