Ramblings of a Paradox

Progress and Understanding.

So yeah, I'm really treating this as my diary now.

Read through all the thoughts I had in here and damn do I feel like some angsty emo kid.

I felt bad for my past self. If only someone helped her. If only someone was there to support her.

But no. There wasn't. Not my parents, not my siblings, not even my self is willing to help.

I had derailed SO much I didn't know where to find the road and go back on track.

I've becoming someone I didn't want myself to be.

So, through coincidence (and a lot of free time), I was browsing some Fbook vids and there's this rant about just anything; (Toxic culture, religion, depression).

and when I watched them, I said to myself; Finally someone with some common sense and basic logic who doesn't do some shitty brainless stupid challenges.

So I browsed some of the other videos and I came upon his video talking about mental health.

I can see how emotional he was about the topic and the words just made sense to me and my being.

Like a train truck.

It felt like I woke up from this really long nightmare and the fogginess in my head cleared up.

It wasn't my fault. I was just sick. Like your other organs, your brain can also get sick and fail because it's a fucking organ. It's just difficult to detect if you're sick when that shit who keeps you alive also messes you up. It's like spotting a liar or liars in a sea room of people. You don't know what thought is from the sickness or not. But that doesn't mean it can't be treated; it's just difficult. So like taking an exam, you must study the topic well if you wanna choose the correct answer, therefore leading to correct analysis of your sickness.

I'm not unloved. I am loved. I was focusing on my self so much I tend to be oblivious of my surroundings because I just don't give a fuck about it. Sure I may not get the support from the parents that I want but I know, there's Someone out there who loves me. Because He wants to love me. He cherishes me more than I could to myself. And that, gave me the security and support to challenge what lies ahead.

I just lost myself.I just gotta turn back and find it. I've always known what depression is and it's symptoms and how to cure it. But just like painting, no matter how vivid your imagination of a bird be, if you don't practice, it would just come off as something abstract. I need to feel man, the deeper understanding, the deeper enlightenment is what I needed in order to take steps forward. And I had it. It's time for me to go back.

...

God, after watching that video, that liberating sensation I felt was truly, freeing. My repressed emotions came out nonstop in the form of tears and hiccups and snotty nose.

I've always hated to cry because to me, I felt it was some form of weakness? (I hated showing my emotions)

But that wasn't it. It was a form of release for me and my body. The stress of being sick manifested in my body and I needed to do something to release it.

So I uncontrollaby cried and let myself get exhausted and physically ache in my head.

The understanding of everything and acceptance of it grounded me in reality.

...

I also discovered  I have cyclothymia disorder(if you don't know it, search it, but basically it's like a minor bipolar disorder that can lead to the real bipolar disorder if not treated well). I'm fairly intelligent and know what shit I'm going through so I'm definitely sure I have one. And no, this isn't that pretty words that millenials are using whenever they are moody, they're automatically either depressed; bipolar; psycho. Mine has been going on for YEARS. So getting happy in the day and crying at night does not constitute it to being bipolar. I hate explaining to dumb, close-minded, uninterested people so go research it.

Back to the topic, those kind of shits are real.

And they really messes up your brain.

So don't take it lightly when you don't know shit about it.

Be lucky you've got a normal body and normal organs and normal fucking brain you piece of ungrateful idiot.

And be grateful.

Appreciate it.

So, you. You better think. Stop for a minute. After you read this close your eyes and really really reflect upon yourself; your past actions; your attitude; your recurring thoughts; your relationships. Wonder why the fuck you act like that or anything. Go wonder for yourself.

I didn't mean to turn this rant into something inspirational leaders say, but we're here buddy. Those guys are right.

If you don't believe in God or any supernatural being, I don't care.

Just be grateful that your body is still functioning.

If you don't know who to thank for, be thankful of your fucking blood cells, bones, tissues, your fucking organs because they are the ones who are keeping you you.

And don't forget about the people who cares about you, even if you're being an a**hole.