Examine

eight

ASHLEY

"Thanks for helping me transfer," I tell Michael as he gives me an introductory tour of Merriworth hospital, "I know how competitive spots here are."

"It's no matter. I only had to bully someone else into vacating their residency," Michael comments wryly.

I stop short, grabbing his arm. "Michael, you didn't!"

Michael grins. "I didn't, I'm just pulling your leg, Scottie. Your credentials were outstanding, there was no way that we wouldn't accept you."

For some reason my hand is still latched onto his arm, I can feel how hard and defined his biceps are. I force myself to release him.

"Thank goodness," I say as we continue, and he points out different areas of importance.

"In the effort to clear my conscience I must admit there was a bit of nepotism involved," Michael says. "I did change your supervisor so you'd be working closer to me."

I raise my eyebrows. "Any reason why?"

"If you're closer to me, you're also closer to your mum. I want to be able to keep an eye on both of you. I'll check on her and give you updates when you're too busy. But please come to me if you need any help with anything, Scottie. I can't possibly understand how much stress you must be under, but I'm here for you if you need a hand."

I'm stunned by his offer of help.

Michael dips his head, his eyes holding mine. "Promise me you'll come to me if you need anything."

"I – "

I struggle to go to others for help. But something about Michael tells me that I can depend on him.

"I will, I promise."

Michael smiles softly at my answer. "I'll let you start your day. I'll see you at lunch."

***

I've spent a week working at Merriworth hospital and I still haven't worked up the courage to tell Jack that I'm working with Michael. I've been sending him updates on my mum's condition and transferring hospitals. But I hadn't told him that Michael is now my work colleague.

I bite my lip and call him.

It dials. Dials. Dials.

There's the sound of the beep.

"Hi, you've reached Jack Rivera, sorry I can't - "

I disconnect the call and put the phone down, laying back on my bed in relief. Why am I so worked up about telling him that I work with Michael? It's not like anything untoward is going on.

Except that every time I'm near Michael, I feel more at ease, warm and nervous in a completely refreshing way. In his presence, the stress and worry about my mother lessen to a more manageable level. His updates that he's talked to her and she's doing okay always put a smile on my face. It's nice to not be so alone in this. It's nice to have his completely platonic support.

It's nice to see his smile when he sees me in the morning, how his eyes light up and he regales me with an inappropriate joke. I even enjoy when we argue over something stupid during our lunch breaks.

My phone starts ringing, I sit up with a jolt, seeing Jack's face flash across the screen. I steel my nerve and accept his call.

"Hey Jack," I say.

"Hey Ash, what's up?" he asks. "Is your mum okay?"

"Yup, she's going well considering, she's going to have surgery next week and then I'll assist her at home."

"That's great. Sorry I haven't been able to call earlier. It's been hectic on set," his voice deepens. "I miss the sound of your voice."

"Yeah, I miss you too. I wish you were here." I sigh. It's been tough to maintain a strong front when I feel like I'm breaking, the stress eating me from the inside out.

"I'll be home soon – just two more weeks and I'll catch a flight straight to you."

"Great!" I'm excited to see him, it will be nice to feel his presence and remember what we have, and that Michael isn't what I need.

"I can't wait to see your sexy body," Jack growls. "Fuck, even the thought of you gets me hard."

"Are you alone?" I ask, totally up for some morning phone sex. An orgasm could probably provide me with a much-needed release.

"No, I'm on set, I just stepped out for a minute." Jack sounds frustrated.

I mew in disappointment.

"Next time," Jack promises.

"Okay," then I remember what I've been avoiding, "I need to tell you something."

"Go on."

"You know how I transferred hospitals?"

"Yeah."

I squeeze my eyes shut, bracing myself. "Well, the funny thing is, Michael also works there."

"My brother Michael?" Jack rumbles.

"Yup, him."

There's silence.

I can hear my heartbeat thrumming in my ear.

"Jack?"

"You love me, right?" Jack asks.

"Yes, of course," I answer quickly.

"Then I don't have anything to worry about. I trust you, Ash."

Disappointment floods me. Why do I feel disappointed? Do I want Jack to act like an irrational, jealous boyfriend? I just know that no matter what he says, he has this deep-seated fear that he'll never measure up. But I also feel guilty that he has that much trust in me. I don't deserve it.

It's not like I want to date Michael.

I'm just attracted to his laugh, his frown, his mind, his everything.

"Maybe you could talk to him? I feel weird that you don't talk. And I still don't understand why you guys don't talk..."

Jack sighs. "I know we were all really close growing up, but you have to let go of that Ash. People change."

Yes, but who had changed the most? Who was it that had irreparably damaged their relationship?

It wasn't my business. But I felt like it was now that I was literally in the middle of them both.

"Can you please try to talk to him? He's been so kind to me, I think he really wants to reconnect."

Jack laughs darkly. "Oh, I'm sure he has. I trust you, Ash. But I don't trust him."

What does that mean?

"Can you elaborate?" I ask.

"Michael always gets what he wants. I just - I wish that he wouldn't try and take you from me as well."

My heart pains me. "He's not trying to take me from you, he just wants to be friends, for old times' sake."

"Look," Jack replies. "I can't tell you who can be your friend or not. I'm glad Michael is being kind to you, but –"

I can hear someone shouting his name in the background.

"I have to go, Ash. Keep me updated, we'll speak soon. I love you."

"Love you," I say, the words are so effortlessly rehearsed, they fall from my lips without thought.

It feels like a promise. It feels like a commitment, that he's bound me in his trust, in his love.

Then he's gone.