When I look in the mirror I see the bags underneath my eyes.
I see my puffy but oh so squinty eyes.
I see my small nose and my pointed yet dainty ears.
I see my squishy cheeks and my awkwardly spaced smile.
I see my thick oddly textured hair that seems to defy gravity.
I hear my voice that's not fully developed.
It's high but not girly and low but not boyish.
It's constantly cracking.
When I sing I mentally apologize to everyone around me.
When I'm walking I try to keep my back straight but not too straight.
When I'm standing still I try to seem as normal as I can so I blend in.
I can't even get dressed without thinking about what everyone will say.
When I was younger I'd look in the mirror and see my dark brown eyes filled with curiosity and joy.
I would try to find my adult teeth hidden amongst my baby ones.
I would spend all day trying to scrunch up my nose or wiggle my ears.
I'd puff out out my cheeks and pretend to be a fish.
I would proudly sing off key at the top of my lungs with no apologies.
I would fake accents and try to talk like my big brother.
I'd try to walk like a princess in heels or an adult heading to work.
I would let my hair go wild in the wind.
I could never stay still. I stuck out like a sore thumb.
Sometimes I wonder what happened to that girl.
The one who was carefree and such a joy to be around.
She left one day with a teary eyed smile and crushed spirit.
She slowly stopped being herself. She wore a smile of lies and she kept her hair tamed.
She left and a girl who's awkward and new to the world took her place.
This new girl is trying her hardest to be happy with herself in this world but she's failing.
***
I miss the girl that I used to be.
