five hours (bxb)

five hours: fifth hour

fifth hour

Tanner had fallen asleep with his head on my shoulder. My back was stiff from the elevator but I didn't dare move in case I woke him up.

I couldn't fathom the idea that in less than five hours I could care about someone so much. The idea of leaving him was starting to hurt more than the idea of staying alive. It was making me rethink everything.

Would my death be what Lynn wanted? 

That question was easy to answer. Lynn would never want me to die. She would have wanted our family to go on, but to remember her. But there was no family without Lynn.

Is it what I want?

If you had asked me that question five hours ago I would not have hesitated to say yes. But the truth was, I didn't know anymore. Because I wasn't doing this for Lynn. I wasn't going to kill myself because I killed her and it was what I deserved. No, that's the lie I made myself believe. I was going to kill myself because I didn't want to have to miss her and live with what I did.

Tanner made a small noise that sounded like a hiccup; I looked down to see a single tear run down his cheek. He was crying in his sleep. The thought of him being sad made my heart clench in a way I hadn't felt in along time.

"Tanner," I whispered, touching his face gently.

He looked up at me through his long eyelashes. He was beautiful. He placed a hand on the side of my cheek and used it to bring my lips closer to his. Our mouths moved in sync, and his hand traced gentle circles on my cheek. 

I never wanted Tanner's lips to leave mine. I just wanted it to be like this forever. It was a strange feeling, one that I recognized but was too scared to identify.

Tanner focused his gaze on the floor and bit his lip, like he was having some sort of internal conflict. And then the words left his mouth.

"I love you," Tanner blurted out into the elevator at no one in particular, though I knew it was meant for me. His fingers were intertwined with mine and he lowered his head onto my shoulder. I stiffened.

"Don't say that."

"Why?"

"Because you don't mean it; you've only known me for a few hours."

"So?" He looked at me with slight confusion. As if there was no correlation between time and love.

"Fine. Why do you love me?"

"Because I can and I do. What is this, twenty questions?"

"One more," I assured him. I could tell he was getting annoyed with me, but he didn't love me. He couldn't love me. Maybe he had himself convinced that he did, but it wasn't real. It was puppy love. Or maybe he just craved it because he had been secluded from everything for nearly five hours.

"When did you realize you love me?"

I expected him to think for moment then throw up his hands and say he didn't know, and then my theory would be proven that he didn't actually love me.

The word love was used too lightly, people didn't appreciate the importance of it.

"When you said you were going to jump off the bridge, and I realized I would follow you. I would jump off the god damned bridge, because I love you."

I stared at him and he stared back at me. His hazel eyes seemed to pierce my own.

"Please don't jump off the bridge. I can't swim," he whispered into my shoulder. It was then that I realized he was actually serious.

"Don't do this to me, Tanner. That's not fair!" I yelled, standing up and backing into the other side of the elevator.

How could he use love against me? I could never place the importance of a five hour love over the death of my sister.

Murder, not death.

He was messing with my head, making me unsure. He was making me want to stay on this horrible, god forsaken planet. I couldn't do that.

A few minutes passed of silence, and Tanner got up and stood next to me.

"Wyatt, say something," he urged me, pulling at my sleeve.

"What do you want me to say?"

"That you love me too." He said it like he knew I loved him, like it wasn't crazy for me to love someone I knew nothing about.

"But I can't love you, Tanner."

"Why not?"

"It's only been five hours, it's impossible."

"Anything is possible." Tanner smiled and let his fingers run from my wrist down to my fingertips before taking my hand in his. It made me feel like I actually belonged somewhere, like I was wanted. It was-

No.

I shook my head and pulled my hand away from his, putting distance between us. "Stop, you're ruining everything!"

"How, by making you want to live?"

"Yes," I admitted. I leaned back against the elevator wall again, allowing it to support my weight.

"Lynn's death wasn't your fault, it was an accident."

I looked up at the ceiling. I was surprised I wasn't swarmed by memories at the mention. I was even more surprised I hadn't hear the voice telling me it was all my fault."I shouldn't have taken her up on the roof."

"You were just trying to do a nice thing for her."

"Yeah, well look how that turned out? I just break everything," I yelled, moving my hands around me for emphasis.

"Well, you can't break me."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I'm already broken," he replied honestly. He picked up his brother's jacket from the corner of the elevator where he had discarded it and held it close to himself.

His cell phone died at that moment, plunging us into darkness. I pinched the back of my hand, starting to feel antsy about being in the dark. 

"Do you think someone will find us soon?"

"I don't care." Tanner placed a hand on my chest and pushed me into the wall, matching his lips with mine as he did so.

It was different than the other kisses we had shared, it was soft and sweet. It made me feel like Tanner actually cared about me.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and his tongue trailed across my bottom lip. I opened my mouth, allowing him in and he tentatively explored my mouth. I pulled him closer to me until there was no space between us; it was like we were molded to fit each other.

Just then, the lights turned on and the elevator roared to life.  I nearly fell over. It dinged as it moved down through the floors, and Tanner and I stared in surprised and shock. I tried to mask my disappointment.

The elevator finally stopped at the lobby floor, the doors swinging open. I expected to see someone there to greet us. The manager, a technician, anyone; but there was no one. The lights were all turned off on the floor and it was completely silent.

We both stepped out of the elevator, and I realized that our hands were still intertwined.

I looked at him awkwardly, his eyes staring into mine. His hair was a mess compared to when he had entered the elevator, his clothes crinkled, and his eyes looked tired- but he was still beautiful. "Do you want to... come over for dinner or something?"

"Now? Because I am really hungry." He placed his other hand on his stomach and looked up at me, biting his lip.

"Sure, let's go." 

I instinctively reached a hand out to press the down button to call the elevator back, but Tanner grabbed my wrist before I could touch it.

"Let's take the stairs."

And by the end of the fifth hour, I was in love with him.