five hours (bxb)

five hours: third hour

third hour

The sight of him holding that jacket close to himself plunged me into another memory. They were like nightmares during the day, except they were real, they had happened. That's what made it the most difficult.

My guidance counselor told me I should see a therapist or a doctor, get anti-depressants prescribed. But I wasn't depressed. I never understood someone who would take their own life. I always thought it was the most selfish thing someone could do. Until it was me who was going to take their life. It wasn't selfish, I didn't have anyone else left to leave behind. I had ruined my family. They didn't want me.

I stared at myself in the mirror, in my suit. My eyes and the tip of my nose were still red from crying. And there was a wet stain on the sleeve of my jacket.

I didn't want to be here. Seeing all these people pretending that they knew her, they didn't know her. They weren't there when she was scared of the monsters under her bed, and when she learned how to ride her bike but fell in the ditch and broke her arm. She didn't even care about her arm though, she was just so happy she had rode her bike down the street by herself. That was who Lynn was.

They didn't get to tell me it was going to be okay, and bring flowers. And most of all, that person in the casket was not my sister. They were plastic, covered in make up and a dress Lynn would have never worn. It killed me in the inside.

Everyone was whispering about me, I knew it. I sat on the sofa and stared at the montage of photos, trying to remain unaffected. Like I was still shocked.

Mom came late, it was just like her. She thundered in wearing a dark purple dress and began to sob at the sight of Lynn. She stomped towards me, that wild look in her eyes.

"This is your fault! It's all your fault. You- you monster!"

"I know."

"Wyatt? Wyatt!" Tanner's voice brought me back to the present. His hands were on my shoulders, shaking me, and there were tears streaming down my face.

I wiped them away and set my gaze intently on the wall. God, I knew it was my fault. I knew all too well. It didn't matter that it was an accident.

"Are you okay?"

I sucked in a deep breath, letting it fill my chest and preparing to say 'it's fine'. But apparently my mouth had other ideas. "No."

"What's your best memory?" Tanner asked randomly, his hand placed soothingly on my back, rubbing up and down periodically.

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do. Come on, everyone has a best memory."

"Taking Lynn to Disney World. She was so excited when he got her picture take with Tinkerbell. She didn't like Magic Kingdom very much though, she liked Animal Kingdom. She would roar at the lions and they would give her this strange look and eventually they would back away." I laughed in remembrance of that boiling hot day in March two years ago when I had agreed to take Lynn for her birthday. Mom and Dad didn't want to do it, they swore against it for reasons I didn't understand. So I made up an elaborate lie and we drove down to Florida for the day.

"Is Lynn your girlfriend?" I looked up at him, he had this cute expression with one eyebrow quirked and his bottom lip sticking out slightly. I let out a small laugh.

"No, she was my sister."

His eyes widened at the was, and then he hugged me. I froze, my body feeling stiff as a board. He wrapped his arms around me and he let his head rest in my shoulder. I hadn't been hugged in a year. The feeling was so foreign.

The weirdest part though, was that I liked it.

"It's okay to miss her, you know that?" He lifted his head up to look at me a moment before he let go of me, and I felt oddly alone as his arms fell back to his sides.

I bit on my lip as it quivered. I didn't want to cry again, I could feel the tears threatening to pour down my cheeks.

It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault.

"What's your fault?" I didn't realize I had been saying that out loud. I guess since I was always alone I didn't have as much control on myself as I always thought I did.

"Her death."

"Don't say that. It's not your fault."

"Yes, it is. I killed her." He looked at me, scared for a moment, and then it happened.

I poured my heart and soul out to someone I had only known for just over two hours. I told him every detail, every thing I remembered. And how it was all my fault. How I hadn't talked to my family in almost a year because it was all my fault. I left out the part about how I would make it end though, I didn't want him telling me not to. I didn't want anyone standing in my way.

He listened to my whole story, nodding periodically throughout it.

When I was finished, he looked at me and took my hand. His fingers were cold against my warm flesh.

"It's not your fault. There's no way you could have known that would happen. It was a freak accident, like getting hit by lightning. But most of all, it was fate. Everything happens for a reason."

'You don't seriously believe that." I stared at him with a crazy look. Fate was up there right next to black magic and unicorns on my list of things that don't exist. What goes around doesn't come around and not everything happens for a reason. It was a fact.

"I do. Don't you? In those moment you are about to fall down the stairs and you suddenly grab the railing? Once I was in the shower, and it was getting harder to breathe. My vision was getting blurry but I just kept ignoring it. And then the light went out. I had to get out to turn the light back on, and that was when I realized that the vents were off and the windows were closed and I was suffocating in the bathroom. I have asthma. I didn't know. If that light hadn't gone out I probably wouldn't be here right now because I'm fucking stubborn. So, yes, I believe in that."

I stayed quiet for a minute. I felt his grip tighten on my hand when he got angry. I didn't know if he knew his hand was still clutching onto mine. It wasn't holding anymore, it was a death grip. Like he couldn't let go.

"You can't blame yourself anymore. It's not your fault. Your parents may not understand that, but I do. And it may not mean anything, but I'm here for you, because you deserve better than the hand you've been dealt. You don't have to feel like you don't have anyone anymore, because you have me."

By the end of the third hour, he was the closest thing to family I had.

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a/n share your favourite memories in the comments <3