coffee stains

i am not the type.

i am not
the type of girl
you could easily fall for.

i am not the one
with a spotlight on her appeal,
with charms and wits
that no one could ever steal.
i am not that girl from school
who walks with a glow
radiating on her face.
i am not smiley
nor smiling nor friendly,
the one you could approach to
so easily.

i'm the one
who observes people,
blends in the crowds,
the hallways the shadows,
pretty much anything exactly.
which, i find, is a rare talent of me.
i'm the one
who doesn't mutter
a single word
or a single smile
but only grimaces
and nods for a little while.

i am not the one
who could crack her jokes
anytime and anywhere,
but i could be funny too
in my own sarcastic way,
which people sometimes
mistaken as insulting
but, i guess,
i'd rather take that
as a compliment.

i am not the type
who could go easily
wild and free.
i'm mostly timid,
preffering to be arcane,
trying my very best
to keep my mind sane.
but i do have
that crazy side too,
which you need
to uncover
to see through.

i'm usually laid back,
reading books and sipping coffee, would do anything
to keep myself busy
away from the ringing
of grey thoughts
surrounding me.
i love the rain
instead of the sun,
finding comfort
on its complexities
and finding it fun.

i am not the girl
who's enthusiastic
when it comes to love.

i am the girl
who is afraid of love.

because loving
means trusting
and trusting means loving
and both loving and trusting
means hurting
and i am so very afraid of both.

i am not the type of girl
you could easily fall for
because i can make you
uncomfortable
with all my blank stares
and blant expressions,
throwing you sentences
that could lead
to your own fraustrations
with you having to deal with
my cold hearted emotions.

everything about me
and all my paradoxical personalities
would make it hard for you
to love me.
barely understandable,
not easy to shake and crumble...
you could easily give up on me.
no one has ever
dared come closer
to take a look deeper
but here you are
coming nearer
knocking inside
the doors of my heart,
me still being meaner-
yet you're as stubborn as ever
and continued pursuing whatever
you wanted me to show-
how it is to be loved by another.

why would you even bother,
is the question
i always ask you
to answer.

i already told you
more than a thousand times,
maybe a gazillion,
that i am not the type of girl
who needs loving
because i am full of love
from myself,
from me.
i told you
i am not the girl
one, you- most especially
could fall for so easily.

so, good luck. to thee.
(if not, to me.)