music box | kim namjoon

chapter 1

falling in love was a sin.

sin's could be forgiven.

falling in love with him, was a death wish.

her fear fueled mind, plagued with ticking and anxiousness that resulted in her ultimate spontaneity, knew better than anyone else, that death was the only thing permanent.

loving him, was permanent.

No matter how sinful it was, her adventurous mind could not help but find some kind of enjoyment from the sickening game of loving someone who did not love her back. It was kind of like tag, or a game of chess. If your feet were fast enough, or your mind three moves ahead, you could get close enough to winning that your heart would start pounding and your mind would be racing and you could practically already feel the sweetness off victory on the tip of your tongue for just a few moments, so much so it didn't matter if it was ripped away. It was how she lived.

Actually, she was partially convinced she was already dead, because death was the only thing permanent, and who said that we didn't all have the life span of a mayfly and everything we felt in our said 'life' was some allusion to ease us into death? Besides, she only felt alive in the sweet moments of adrenaline and a frequency in her ears that deafened her and the feeling of it all dissolving. There was something thrilling about losing everything you had.

She was kind of crazy, in a way that may have actually made her the most sane person in the room. And she knew that if everyone just stopped to think for a moment they would know, that death is death, and life is life, but there was also a grey area between the two, and sometimes we were dead when we were living, and were there times when you were alive when you were dead? She didn't know. She had never actually been dead before.

And for whatever reason, she was crazy in her theories and her logic of living, and she did a lot of things without the company of those that confused her thoughtfulness for stupidity. Because no one truly knew what life and death was, and how they were supposed to be two different things, but everyone was just wasting time and acting as if they were already six feet under. However, she had gotten to a state of peace with that knowledge, because why waste your time living, dying for other people?

That's exactly what she thought, too, that she wouldn't die for anyone, and then she met Kim Namjoon, and she turned into a selfless, overly giving, emotional piece of mush.

He must've had that effect on more people than her, she was sure, because he spoke so carefully and articulately that who wouldn't love to listen to his words all day?

Kim Namjoon must have been the first time in her whole life she felt alive without climbing up buildings or stealing convenience store candy. He just spoke, and she felt the kick in her heart and the thing in her ears, and she felt the victory on the tip of her tongue.

They were both psychology majors, and both loved to overanalyze things and very quickly, he knew her like no one ever had before.

She was always told that she was too complicated, but he seemed to unlock the secrets to navigating her difficult mind with ease.

"How are you?" His voice echoed through the phone.

"Good, actually." She responded, and she felt the thrilling feeling.