music box | kim namjoon

chapter 5

Mina and apathy were two things that weren't close, or friendly, in any time of her life. Whatever she felt, it always seemed like she felt it too well. However, something had changed in her, because she didn't really care anymore.

People were starting to take notice too, but Mina walked away from the cashier at the bubble tea place, who she was normally bright and bubbly with, without much concern for the worried look on their face. For her, apathy and bubble tea were just more ways to suppress her feelings.

Maybe she wasn't the most mature, or the most admirable for her lack of feeling, but all her emotions seemed to flee from her being without waiting for permission. Nothing these days ever seemed to happen with her permission, but that was living. What more could she do?

Perhaps fate was cruel for it's terribly ironic humor,  because while Mina sunk into a state of caring little for anything anymore, Namjoon felt like every emotion in his mind had been heightened to an unmeasurable amount. It was almost like they had traded, because up until then, Mina had been navigating her feelings on harsh waters, and Namjoon seemed to be pro at letting things effect him as little as he possibly could. But their current state was predictable, because Mina was destined to get very, very tired, and Namjoon could only keep his compassion at bay for so long.

That must have been why, now, it seemed like every time his eyes fell shut, he was guaranteed to wake up in a cold sweat, with shaky hands and a certain name dancing on the tip of his tongue. He could have easily argued it to be from stress, since he was balancing his music, school, and trying to build a life with someone all at the same time. But Namjoon was smart enough to know that behind the curtain of that same excuse he gave Minji, lay the true reason for his distress.

And he had never missed someone so badly. No amount of studying emotions and the human brain could prepare him for the feeling of letting go. What was most spectacular about such feelings, seemed to be their parallels to the detoxification of an addict. Cold sweats in the night, and the feeling of sickness, and the deep psychological toll it took on him, all made it seem like he was cleansing himself of something, rather than someone. That only reminded him just how much he felt he needed her, which in turn, made his actions then only feel wrong.

But what was he supposed to do now, that he was promised to someone else, and trying to keep that promise? And there was no way that he could pick any fate for himself and not hurt someone. Even his thoughts alone, of options, and doubts, and Mina, were in themselves, sinful. Picking one was hurtful, picking the other was hurtful, and dwindling in the middle, trying to sort his thoughts was inevitably, hurtful. His compassionate heart just could not win. 

And Minjis helicopter tactics did not help. The constant looking at his phone, seeing if Mina had texted, only made him wish she had. And the way she watched the hall that led to his first period class, waiting to see her to make a point, only made Namjoon wish she would stroll on down, that stupid smile on her face. Minji hoped that Namjoon would forget, but she only helped him remember.

And by god, he was trying to be nice. Because he was engaged to her, and that was his future. But he got such an unsettling feeling in his stomach when he thought about the discontent Minji had for Mina, and her habit of keeping them far, far from each other. At first, he was slightly offended by her distrust in him, but he had far grown from that. Because at first, Minji had simply told him a little distance would do, in order to keep his priorities in such a shaping time of him life straight. Now, however, she seemed to go to any lengths to cease all contact between the two. A voice in Namjoons head told him to let her.

   'You're too attached.'

He'd tell himself. He'd always want to argue, asking why that was such a bad thing.