Possibility

In Between Worlds

It's such a weird thing, being uncomfortable in your own skin. It's even more odd when it's not entirely your fault- yet the mean voices in your head are all yours. You'd heard almost every fat joke there had to be told- every insult and cruel jab. At first they were voiced by others- but then you'd grown into your resting bitch face, and suddenly they shut up. At least on the outside they did. Voices still swam in your head- they still poked and prodded at you. They still hurt you- even when they changed from other voices to your own. You became your own worst enemy..

You wondered what it'd be like to be smaller- to love the skin you were in. What was that like? What was it like to be beautiful and desired? What might it be like to not blame everything wrong in your life on your appearance? To not have to try your absolute hardest to be good inside to counter how you look outside?

You didn't often think this way, you used to be so good at shoving these low feelings away but- these changes in your life were bringing them out again. The demons in your head were screaming and clawing at you, threatening to pull you down into the darkness with them. You were fighting so hard to keep your head above water- to keep everything as it was. This was never supposed to happen- never. You weren't supposed to like Peter- you didn't want to. He wasn't for you. A guy like him wasn't for a girl like you- and yet you still stared his way.

Apparently, he'd spent all of roughly a few minutes at Liz's party before disappearing. You wondered why- but you were sure you wouldn't get to find out. He still wasn't attempting to speak to you, and it's not that he was actively avoiding you. He would speak to you, but only if you started the conversation. He sounded uninterested and bored every time you spoke to him, sometimes he wasn't even listening. He'd either be staring off into space or at her, it seemed like. It felt like he didn't want to be your friend anymore. Ned tried to convince you otherwise and you tried to let him- but it wasn't working. The world you'd grown used to- the world with just you, Peter, Ned and sometimes Michelle was starting to change, no matter how much you tried to stop it. Peter was gravitating away and into another world, one without you.

He was starting to distance from you. He didn't tell you he re-joined the decathlon team- didn't pay much attention to your worries when he returned from DC unscathed. He didn't tell you why he'd disappeared during decathlon-why he wasn't losing his shit like you were because he could've been on that elevator- because his best friend almost fucking died on that elevator. No proper response- nothing but a 'I really can't talk right now, sorry." and a sad look from Ned. Nothing. You didn't know why he couldn't- or rather wouldn't talk to you anymore. Michelle noticed the distance, but she chose to not bring it up to. She subtly began to change her distance too- only instead of going away, she came closer. She could tell you needed a friend right now- and you'd been there for her once or twice without question or needing an explanation. What else are friends for?

Within less than a week, things started changing more. Peter disappeared from detention- went completely off the grid for hours, leaving May to panic and call you and Ned and anyone else who might know where he was. Even she didn't know what was wrong with him or why and it hurt. It hurt because you, one of his closest friends, didn't know either. He ended up okay and safe- only now without an internship. Ned had to fill you in on that. He seemed bummed for awhile- but then he changed again. He bounced back- back to the Peter he was before the internship. You weren't sure if you should be happy about it or not- the internship had made him so wonderfully happy. Yes- he'd bailed on you often, but he had been happy. So so happy- but he seemed okay now. He was talking to you again- laughing and being happy with you. All seemed right.

In fact- things even let up. Homecoming was on the way and- he asked you. Well- kind of.

"We should go together- you know, as friends? Unless one of us gets a date. This could be like.. a back-up?"

You hadn't meant to nod so eagerly, "Yeah! Sure, Peter!"

He smiled, and for a moment you let yourself forget this was just a friendly gesture, "Great."

A back-up.. is that what girls like you were? Just a back-up..?