Band X

Chapter 9: Perpetually Obtuse

So now I have sort of an answer to my problems. I'm just screwed, basically. I'm not sure I want to do yoga, I have to give up cheese, and I can't even look at anything with gluten in it. As much as I like Dr. Lim and trust him, all he really did was confirm what I already feared. He just said what goes through my mind late at night. Alone in my room, in the dark, my mind tends to run wild with "what ifs".

What if my back keeps getting worse?

What if I can't go to college next year?

What if I never have a career and have to live with my parents forever?

What if I never meet someone and fall in love?

Do I really want to meet someone and fall in love?

Last night, I kept coming back to that first question because whether I like it or not, I got my answer yesterday. Sitting on that crinkly, white paper stretched across the cold exam table, I was told that my back is not going to get better. At least not until they come up with some sort of miracle cure or operation, that is. I'm only 17 and my back is already really bad and it's gotten worse in a really short period of time. So, what does that mean? Does it mean it will stay like this for the rest of my life or will it continue to get worse month by month, day by day?

As usual, all I've done is come up with more questions and hardly any answers. Even though I'm completely unsure of my overall future and how exciting or boring or frustrating it will be, I am starting to get a little optimistic of my future with the band. Even if we never make it big, I'll always have the experience of singing along with friends, something I never thought I'd be able to do.

For now, though, the sun is starting to come up outside my bedroom window and that means it's time to get up and get ready for school. It's Monday, and I realize complaining about the first day of the week is something old people typically do. But I'm kind of like an old lady with my cracking joints and back pain, so I'm going to bitch about having to get out of my warm bed, out into the cold. It sucks. I hate the cold weather because it makes my pain flair up. I also hate the intense heat of summer and rainy days are not my favorite, either.

Let's face it-all different kinds of change in the weather make me miserable. Maybe I need to live somewhere dry, like Vegas. I'd miss the changing leaves we have here in Illinois, though. I love fall and the other seasons aren't so bad either. We have them all and I can find something I like in each one. Cold, crisp snow in the winter, flowering crabapple trees in the spring, and warm breezes in the summer. So, I guess there isn't a move to Vegas in my future even if the heat with no humidity would be best for my brittle bones. The desert sounds so boring, all tan and sandy. With the exception of our yet to be named band, my life is hardly full of thrills or new opportunities. At least I can watch the change of seasons from my bedroom window. Sometimes, that's enough excitement for me. Or it used to be before I met Isabelle, Thomas, and Eli.

Enough introspection. I get ready, grab my purse, and head downstairs to eat something before my mom takes me to school on her way to work. Some days she works from home so she lets me take her car and drive myself, but Mondays she has meetings with students so she drops me off. For all my complaining about going out into the cold every morning, I actually don't encounter much bad weather. I haven't taken the bus since the first week of freshman year so I don't have to wait at the bus stop in the dark, rain, or whatever our ever-changing Midwest climate throws at us. I either hop in her car and am chauffeured to school or I drive myself, so I go from our front door to our house to the car to the front door of my high school. I really want my own car, though. I guess I do have something to complain about!

The week goes by just as it has in the past. I go to class, hide when a teacher asks me a question, and try to remain as invisible as possible. This is getting harder and harder to do, though, because now I have people saying hi to me in the hallway. Isabelle jumps up and down and wildly flaps her arms in the air when she sees me. Eli waves, slow and laid back, when we pass each other, and Thomas just nods at me, but I swear I can tell he's looking for me. Maybe that's wishful thinking again, but right after second period I saw him scanning the overcrowded hallway. I thought I saw his heavy lidded eyes perk up a little bit as we caught small glimpses of one another in between the throngs of sweaty teens and the occasional teacher, ever on the alert for anyone breaking the hallway rules.