Band X

Chapter 11: Casual Captives

I slowly wake up the next morning and wonder what I did to have such weird dreams the night before. Was it something I ate? Did I pop a Benadryl before passing out? No matter what happened, by dreams were totally surreal.

I dreamed that Thomas asked me out and the overly enthusiastic Isabelle was going to help me get ready for the date. I roll over and try to fall back asleep so I can recapture that dream because it was amazing. My first date. I never thought I would have one. Hell, I never thought I wanted to go on one in the first place. Dating and all that typical teenage crap wasn't for me, the girl who hardly ever left her room.

Then again...I never thought I'd be in a band, that someone as perky and cheerful as Isabelle would want to be my friend. But here we are.

As I drift back to sleep something clicks in my mind and an icy cold feeling crawls up my back as my stomach drops. It wasn't a dream. I'm going on a date and that means I'm forced to go shopping with Isabelle so she can make me look more like a girl. Her words. My anxiety level goes through the roof and the tension I feel starts to affect my body. My joints stiffen, my back throbs.

I force myself to sit up and swing my legs over the side of the bed. They feel heavy, like they're made of lead and I don't think I can stand on them without falling flat on my face on the carpet. I hate how much stress immediately brings on a fresh wave of pain. My mother says I have to learn to manage my stress, handle it better, but I'm not sure I can. I think I need to see a therapist but have been fighting her so much over it for a few years now, I'm a little afraid of even approaching her on the topic.

But she's my mom and wants what's best for me. I'll ask her when I get back from the mall. Or at least I tell myself I will. I've never been someone who tells my deepest, darkest secret to just anyone. In fact, I keep it all inside until is builds up and nearly puts me in a pain filled coma for a few days.

Sometimes, when I come home and no one is here, which is rare because it seems like someone is always here, I let out a huge scream. It's a little scary how big my voice is when I do this. It echoes around the house, bouncing off the walls. I imagine it's so powerful that it rattles the windows. I usually feel better after I do this. My throat is always sore and my face flushed, but I feel lighter somehow, like a huge weight is lifted off my chest.

I'd like to scream now, but the quiet of the house tells me that everyone else is still asleep. If I let loose with one of my blood curdling screams, my parents might have simultaneous heart attacks and my brother will definitely freak out. I'm tempted to do it just to wake him up. He's always confused whenever someone wakes him up from a deep sleep and it's kind of funny to watch him stumble around and try to make sense of what's happening to him.

I decide against my weird scream therapy and decide instead to practice the deep breathing exercises I found on YouTube.

Sitting on the edge of my bed, I straighten my back even though the pain radiates up my spine. It feels like shards of glass are settling in my lower back but I keep my back erect and let my arms drop on either side of me and rest on the bed, palms up. According to the video I watched, the goal is to focus on the breathing and if other thoughts distract you, you are to bring your attention back to the breath.

I close my eyes, drive the thoughts out of my mind, and just breathe. If you've never tried it, it's hard to quiet your mind. So many thoughts buzz around in there and I don't realize just how busy my brain is until I try to calm it down. But I try, because I need that calm. I need it so I feel better physically and I really need it if I'm going to go on this shopping trip in preparation for my date.

My mind won't let go of the date, though, and I'm finding it difficult to focus on the gentle up and down, in and out, of my breath. I bring my attention back to it over and over again until I finally get it. For the first time I block out the noise of my thoughts and the images that threaten to take over and drive me crazy and I feel calm, weightless, and while the pain is still there, it's no longer burning hot from the base of my spine up to my neck.