Love.

{Twenty} He is relieved.

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."

- Robert A. Heinlein.

*****

Dec lies awake for hours, tossing and turning, thinking and panicking and he is so sick of this all. This whole shit situation is doing his head in.

He wants Ant, with all his heart. Of course he wants that, Ant is the most gorgeous person he ever met. And he is in love with him for as long as he can remember.

But at the same time he doesn't want to break Ant and Lisa apart, he doesn't want to be the reason Ant is leaving her and it would never ever come to his mind to ask that of Ant either. Damn, this is all a mess.

It's just that now that Ant has told him all that and has even fucking kissed him, there is suddenly this possibility of all his dreams and desires coming true and there is nothing in this world that Dec would want more than to be with this gorgeous man. But he knows it wouldn't be right, it just wouldn't be right to destroy everything.

And so Dec is determined to let it all go again, it doesn't make any sense. Despite everything that has happened, hell, even Ant kissing him and reassuring him that it would be fine... Yes, despite all that, Dec knows he has to let go, finally. Because this is all he ever wanted yes, but this is also everything he didn't want.

Everything is changing and he doesn't like it, he can't bear it, it's too much, too complicated, too easy and too hard at the same time.

And that's why, after a pretty much sleepless night that's exactly what he thinks, that's the fucking solution and he will fucking stick to it. If he never followed any resolution in his life, but this one he will, he is absolutely determined.

Well.

That is until he opens his front door to get his mail and he more or less stumbles over Ant who falls towards him when the support for his body is suddenly gone by the door opening.

"Whoa, you gave me a fright" Dec exclaims while Ant tries to maintain his balance.

Only then does Dec realise that Ant is looking like death himself, his lips are almost of a blueish colour and his whole body is shaking and he looks at Dec but also kind of looks right through him and he can only imagine how Ant spent the previous night.

Dec gasps. "Jesus, did you spend the night on my doorstep?"

Ant only sighs and shrugs his shoulders, he has no energy left.

"Come on, up you get" Dec says and tries his best in lifting Ant off the floor and guiding him inside.

Damn, Dec thinks about all this stuff he has thought about all night and damn, it all doesn't matter now. All those negative thoughts are gone in an instant and all he wants is to care for Ant, his Ant.

Fuck, he looks so broken and lost and Dec suddenly feels incredibly guilty for throwing him out yesterday. After all, he could have just let him sleep in the spare room or something.

And it all dawns on him, he can never let this go. He can never stop loving Ant, he can never stop caring for him, he can never let him down. He is really stuck with him forever, and if he is honest to himself he can't even imagine it any differently.

He carefully sits Ant down on the sofa and wraps a blanket around his shivering best friend before he runs into the bathroom and puts the taps on to run Ant a hot bath. While that is filling up, he runs into the kitchen to get Ant a mug of hot tea and reappears in the living room in speed of light to hand Ant the mug.