By Andrew Kelley
My credit card company calls me up one afternoon and asks if I have recently made any purchases to the tune of four hundred and fifty dollars at a Wal-Mart in Boise, Idaho. I inform the woman on the phone that no, I have never been to Boise, Idaho. Out of curiosity, I ask what has been purchased. “Two crossbows and six cases of Peach Snapple,” she responds.
I am stunned and charmed. “Really?” I prod. “Yes sir, so I’ll go ahead and remove the charge for you?” she says dryly. I pause, thinking, “Two crossbows and six cases of Peach Snapple.”
I love Peach Snapple. It is my favorite kind of Snapple. And I have always dreamed of owning a crossbow. Never in my wildest dreams did I consider owning two of them; that’d be too exhausting. But then again, I’d have six cases of Peach Snapple to quench my thirst.
The last thing I purchased on my credit card was a small vacuum cleaner at Bed Bath and Beyond. I’m not even springing for the big vacuum cleaner, and this guy is buying two crossbows at once. Is he a better Andrew Kelley than I am? Should I cede my identity to him, so that he may carry out my life in the exciting, dangerous way I’ve always wanted?
“Sir?” the woman on the phone says again.
“Yes, remove the charge, thanks,” I respond. I hang up and head out to buy the largest vacuum cleaner I can find.
*** THE END ***
‘Til the Next Dance
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Mother's Day At The Orphanage: Stories Without A Home
Non-FictionMother's Day At The Orphanage is collection of semi-autobiographical short stories about odd jobs, fake businesses, mistaken identities, close shaves, and near misses, written by David Leigh Abts and Michael Shattuck, edited by Leslie Blodgett, and...
