Peter's Little Peter

Happy Ending

I look at the water, then back at Audrey. This girl is naked. This girl just asked me to get naked. This is literally my wildest dream. OK, maybe not my wildest dream. My wildest dream would be a tossup between the Becky Spade whack-off nightmare and the one where I'm making out with Jabba the Hutt and I'm wearing the gold bikini. But this is my dream-dream, the one I have when I'm awake. This is everything I've ever wanted since puberty. I've been thinking about this moment ever since I met Audrey.

But for some reason, I blurt out, "Hella burr."

"Huh?"

I toss my head toward the water and once again say, "Hella burr."

"As in cold?" Audrey asks.

"Yeah, that water looks pretty cold."

Audrey looks puzzled for a moment. For one thing, my comment is weird. But then again, sometimes I make weird comments when I'm nervous. She knows this about me. But what's really puzzling about my comment is that the water probably isn't all that cold, considering the fact that it's hot outside. Hot enough to go swimming. Then a knowing look crosses Audrey's face. 

"Is this a shrinkage thing?" Audrey asks.

"Huh?"

"Peter, I just spent the last ten minutes telling you about peens, and how they really don't matter. I mean, they matter. Obviously. But how peens are, you know, not as big of deal as boys think. And now you're worried about shrinkage?"

"Shrinkage?"

"You know. Cold water, and how it makes peens shrink."

But it's not shrinkage that I'm worried about. It's the fact that if I take off my pants, Audrey will see that I lied to her. She'll see that I have a baby carrot instead of a cucumber.

"Size doesn't matter, Peter."

Audrey steps around the car. She's naked. Really naked. One arm covers her boobs. And her other hand covers her pubic area. I drink in her naked body, and as I do, I feel an electric current buzzing around every inch of my skin. I feel dizzy, and I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing a couple of minutes ago.

Suddenly, Audrey closes the distance between us. She kisses me on the lips, and I kiss her back. A warm sensation smothers me from head to toe. Then I feel a piercing shock, like an alarm. I feel her hands around my waist.

"Let me help you get those pants off," she says.

I feel Audrey unbuttoning my jeans. Quickly, my pants are down around my ankles. My underwear is the only thing that stands between Audrey and the truth about my peen. I can feel her fingers inside my elastic waistband. Then all of a sudden, I feel something else.

It's my hand.

I grab Audrey's hand and push her away from my peen.

I step back.

Audrey looks surprised for a moment. Then she says, "I showed you mine, now you show me yours."

But I can't move.

I'm frozen.

And the longer I stand there, the more awkward it gets. Because Audrey is naked. She's naked for me. She's waiting for me. And all I can do is stand there with a three-inch bulging lie in my underwear. But then and a question pops into my head.

"Am I the eleventh peen?" I ask.

For a moment, Audrey doesn't respond. Then she nods.

"It's called Free The Peen. I named the project for you, Peter."