In My Sister's Shadow-Book II

9. Night of Revelations: Part I

I shoved the children's clothes, shoes and toys into a suitcase whilst shouting orders at the children to dress.
"Where are we going?" Poor, confused Zara was half asleep.
"Just get dressed darling. Put on your coats and get your brothers dressed." I ordered her.
Zayn was in the hallway, I wasn't sure what he was doing; it was eerily quiet.
"I'm scared." Said Armaan watching me panic stricken.
I dashed into the kitchen and grabbed a roll of black refuse bags. There was no space for more clothes. In the hallway, Zayn stood his back leaning against the wall, staring at his bloody hands.  Soon the police would arrive, there was no time to clean his face.
"Zayn, take the children to the van. We must go, quickly."
Once Zara's coat was zipped up, I pulled her pink Frozen hat over her ears and sent her to her father. One by one, I prepared the children lining the suitcases and bags in the hallway. My eyes pinned on the windows for flashing blue lights, my ears perked up listening to screaming sirens. Zayn had destroyed the take away, and he would have killed Suhel. My body trembled, but I had no time to stop and listen to the panic in my rising heartbeat. Covered in Zayn's woody brown jacket, I wrapped my black pashmina scarf around my head, jumped into my black trainers ready to make a swift exit.

One by one I threw the bags down the stairs, and Zayn loaded the van. Downstairs, Zayn stood in the doorway. He wasn't finished with Suhel, he was ready to return and finish off what he started. The ice cold look in his eyes, his rigid body, his hands formed into fists.
"Let's go." I touched his bare arm.
He shook his head, staring at the dead dark night. "I'm not running away."
The sounds of distant siren spread fear through my bones. I snatched his wrist and hauled him out of the doorway.
"Zayn! WE have to go!" I cried out leaving four black bags of clothes in the hallway. "Zayn, the kids need you!" I cried out dragging him to the van. This was my fault. If I had locked my bedroom door none of this would have happened. I couldn't risk Zayn going to jail, I needed him. The police van screamed with rage driving towards the take away. I jumped into the front of the van and yelled at Zayn to drive. He reversed and turned his van around and we escaped through the back streets. One by one, we heard more police cars approaching.
"Drive faster!" I panicked looking though the side mirrors that reflected the flashing blue lights.

When we drove at a safe distance, I climbed into the back of the van where the children lay on mattress. Zayn must have sleept here when he worked in Bristol. The van was rickety, cold, but we were safe. Tools rattled with the bumps in the road. I wrapped a large red and green gingham blanket around the children and cuddled them hugging the cold out of their bones. Their white of their eyes shone in the darkness.
"Are we going to see naani?" A distraught Zara asked.
"Yes, darling. Now sleep."
The van rocked from Zayn side as he drove.
"It won't be long now, go to sleep. We're going to naanis." I cajoled the children with stories of naani. Aymaan hadn't spoken another word since the breakthrough at the house.
Zayn drove for 45 minutes. He stopped a few times, once for petrol and then went to a shop for drinks and snacks. The soothing swaying at the back of the van soon put Zara and Armaan to sleep. I layered blankets from the black bags to cover their little bodies. What an awful life? This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

It was over an hour late, the van stopped. Zayn left the seat and slammed the door shut. I waited. He didn't return. I climbed into the front and saw him standing on the brown of the hill looking down at the city of lights. I stepped out into the darkness. There were no street lights, no cars, it was silent with the sound of swaying trees and green bushes. I zipped up Zayn's jacket thankful for the cream fleece insulating me. Approaching Zayn, I could see his smoky breath. I looked down at the city glittering with millions of lights.  Here we were, on the brow of a hill, homeless, cold and our possessions in the van. Out here in the rural country air, it was bitterly cold but strangely Zayn stood solid in his grey t-shirt.
A ghostly stretch of silence sat between us amplified by the distant hum of the motorway traffic and hurtling of a train; this frightened me. Tonight, he was taking us far away or he was leaving me. Was this our final goodbye? The empty look on his face told me nothing and I preferred this nothing. A place where hope flickered like a dying flame blowing in the wind of fear, doubts and heart-breaking culmination. It'd take this silent over infinite words- any day. For now, Zayn was here, beside me and the children were close. In words, in conversation, it could all be over.

The golden orange glow from the breaking dawn highlighted the dried blood smeared on his forehead. His hair blew in the cold wind settling around his shoulders. Stepping on the stones and uneven ground, I steadily made my way down the steep hill towards him. I tore piece of my shawl to tidy his bloody face and clean his wounds. When I approached him, he flinched. I was losing him. I had to tidy him, I was his wife, this was my job.
"Zayn, it's cold out here. Come in the van, let me clean you."
With his arms by his side, he made no attempt to move.
"Zayn-"
"I like to come up here see all the lights." He began. I followed the line of his sight taking in the wonderful array of lights. "People like rats running around every day. Me standing looking down at them. Here, I am not part of the rat race. It feels good. It quietens my mind."
He was talking. This was a start. Luckily, he wasn't talking about driving away.
"Zeenat liked to come up here."
My heart pounded hearing my sister's name. He was thinking about her, why was he thinking about her?
"She wasn't one for views, she was here for something else." He turned his head, the cracking dawn lit up the bruises on his face. I felt his pain. I wanted to hold him, to heal him. He'd protected me.
"With the kids asleep in the car, Zeenat would lay out a blanket on the ground-" He pointed out exactly where like she was between us. "-and we would make out."
Okay! That was random. I didn't want to hear this.
Zayn approached me, standing beside me making sure I understood everything he was about to say. I bowed my head wrapping my shawl over my mouth to conceal my disappointment.
"Zeenat was adventurous and liked to try new things." He spoke with a burst of energy and passion. "She'd want to take it all the way." My eyes shot wide open. Stop! Please. I prefer the silence.
"Not with my wife, here-anyone could see us."
I sighed with relief.
"Maybe that's why I married her, her naughty but tempting behaviour. She was always like that, flirty and flighty, pretty dangerous and that's what turned me on." He cackled with laughter, a cruel laughter from the back of his throat after you'd done something dangerous. He shook his head sighing. Puffs of breath clouded the bitter cold air.
"When I married her and lived at your parents' house, we'd always argue."
How could I forget? I slept a door away from their room. If Zeenat wasn't giggling in the room, she was shouting and yelling at Zayn. After two days of peace, it'd guarantee that they'd argue on the third day.
"She'd want me to go out with her dad to stupid family dinners." He spat out into the grass like he'd tasted something sickly. But then it could be blood collected into his mouth after the fight.
"Your dad wanted to show her off and take the piss out of me. I was your dad's play thing. So, he'd show his family, his dumb pathan son in law. One day, I refused. I was fed up, but she was adamant to show me off. She didn't know the game your father was playing."
With his fingers laced together, he raised his arms over and behind his head and tilted his head  looking up at the the night sky. Honey orange colours trickled though the dead black sky, I feared what tomorrow would bring. Where would we be?
"It was you Zoh'ra who'd come into my bedroom and talk to me."
My heart sank. That sounded awful and suspicious. What did he mean? I wanted to bring peace into the house. Zayn threw his hands down his side and made his way towards me. I stepped back. He looked at me, like he was looking through me, staring blankly.
"You'd hide behind your large glasses-the one you didn't need-"
He knew? I wore the pair of black framed glasses like a mask through college and into university. How did he know they weren't prescription glasses?
"It was your aid, to hide, sticking your nose in a fat book but aware of everything around you."
He knew me so well. I thought I was invisible.
"You were the quiet one, the who watched and knew everything. You were the one who made sense, you'd listen to her, listen to me. You understood me Zoh'ra- you saw me."
My heart thudded as he looked at me like the forbidden young woman, like I was back then, his sister in law. Why was he bringing this up?