Heaven on Earth

chapter 10

Castiel sat alone in his bed. His phone rested on his leg.

Dean would have come home from the hospital today with his casts off. He would have thrown Castiel down on the bed and ravished him until neither of them could go anymore. He would have stayed there with Castiel on top of him, snoring against his neck, while Castiel dreamt of Dean and his amazing body, laugh, everything...

Castiel whimpered and stared at the contact pulled up on his phone. "Sexiest Boyfriend You Will Ever Have," he read out loud with a tiny, shaky laugh. He still hadn't deleted Dean's number. He couldn't. He would sit there for hours just staring at the phone, until he started to panic and got sick. It was always the same routine.

He wanted his drugs. He needed them. An escape from the world was all he wanted and needed right now.

Castiel hurriedly got out of bed, closing the contact and sliding into his shoes. He pulled on his coat as he left the bakery, which was closed today. His phone was in his pocket, keys and wallet in the other pocket.

He wiped at his cheeks as he walked through the melting snow on the sidewalks, toward the nearest club he could imagine he could find his leave in. The baker kept his head down as he walked, taking turns every few blocks, until he was out of his neighborhood.

He bumped into someone, slipped on the ice, and fell. "I'm sorry," he heard, and immediately went still, not even breathing. That voice was too familiar.

"It's fine," he whispered, breathless, as he got up. He just wanted to get to the club. This encounter was making it worse. He need to get to the club. He needed his ecstasy.

"Cas?" Castiel whimpered. "Castiel." He felt a tear fall down his cheek.

"Don't. Just don't."

"Cas." Dean's hand wrapped around his arm when he walked past him, stopping him in his tracks. His hand was so warm through the thinner fabric of Castiel's coat and shirt. Dean had always been warmer than he should be. "Cas, I was heading to- to the bakery." Castiel stayed silent. Dean had been heading to the bakery. Dean Winchester had been coming to see him again. "I suppose I can say it here, though... I know you got scared. Something big had just happened to Adam, and you were afraid the same could happen to me. You were afraid of your past, and you probably still are afraid of it. I understand how you're scared." Dean coughed slightly, grip tightening on Castiel's arm as if Castiel could even move in that moment. It felt like they were the only two in the world. The moment was swelling and pulsing through Castiel, driving him mad with the need to run away. But he couldn't. He definitely couldn't when Dean spoke again. "But you shouldn't be. Castiel, I've been through shit too, and you know that as well as Sam. We've both been through shit, and when we finally found each other, we were happy. I was happy, at least, and I don't want to let it go. You're all I can think about lately. It's really... Cliche," Dean huffed a shaky laugh, "but it's true. You're all I think about when I wake up, when I'm at the garage, when I'm brushing my teeth, showering, walking down the street, driving, sleeping, eating, breathing... Cas, I miss you." The mechanic's voice broke and Castiel felt his world plunge. "I miss talking to you everyday. I miss watching you cook and dance. I miss listening to you sing. I miss your voice and your smile and your laugh. I miss feeling you laying beside me, snoring against my neck or my shoulder or my chest. I miss your sighs and moans. I miss hearing you speaking to yourself when you get frustrated and I miss helping you through nightmares and worry... I miss you. I miss you, Castiel, and I still love you."

Castiel wasn't breathing. His world had just taken a dive into the deep end and had not surfaced. Dean was crying and practically begging for him back. God, he wanted to say yes. God, he wanted to take Dean in his arms and kiss him senseless, kiss that idiot mechanic until he was insane from repetition and shortness of breath.