Help Me Lord... I Think I Like Her

I Been Thinking Bout You

Yea so after the drive home from San Diego, I couldn't get Musoke out my head. At this point, it was becoming too ridiculous and I just didn't understand where all this was coming from.

It felt as if I liked her, but if I were honest with myself... I didn't like her. The idea of liking her was more of what kept appearing in my mind.

I hadn't cried that hard in so long and mind you, it was all silent. I really wish I was able to get one of those real thick cries out. That way I wouldn't have so many emotions still crumbled up inside.

Either way, there's no public place for me to do all that. If my mom were to even smell a hint of "gayness" there would be more yelling and no compassion. I get that this sin is wrong, but I didn't specifically choose to have to deal with this sin. It's just like any other sin in Gods eyes.

It doesn't make it right though. Im not defending it, but I'm saying that... basically...I'm realizing I've always dealt with these feelings all on my own.

I knew it was wrong as a kid. It wasn't normal whatsoever. But who was I gonna tell and call out for help to? Who would read my heart instead of my feelings. Even at a young age there was nothing. No one can ever understand all that I went through mentally. Unless of course, you were to have some past experience of same sex attraction. Other than that, it's quite difficult to imagine or even relate to one who, grew up in a Christian household, but lacked that overall genuine concern from anyone... in regards to a little girl liking girls

Which is exactly why I don't have time to be thinking about this girl. We barely just started a somewhat friendship? I don't know, but once she told me I was always on her mind too, I started to allow my thoughts to linger for a bit longer.

Funny thing is, we ended up exchanging numbers. I forgot why or how it even popped up in the conversation, but it happened.

Welcome to: Morning Text

So y'all I'm not the type to wake up super early. ESPECIALLY in the early summer mornings. But homegirl was up early and would text me every morning.

Apart of me liked it, but then it was also too much. It was so expected after the first few times.

Musoke: "Good morning!!! How'd you sleep?"

Me: "Oh hey good morning, not too bad I'm still sleepy wbu?"

Bla bla bla just a waste of time... that I still entertained.

What really made it weird was how it reminded me of a past relationship. A real one, that I didn't favor too much. Mostly cause it reminded me of the one major guy experience I had in high school (I refuse to label him as my first boyfriend).

Homeboy would always ask, "How'd you sleep?"

Every.

Single.

Time.

Like dang be creative and send me a poem or draw a picture. Anything but those three words.

Ugh, so that was a red flag besides the fact that this was happening every morning. Not to mention her being a girl. Ding dong!!!

Musoke: "I keep thinking about you. Your always on my mind like all day"

Me: ????

Pause.

Little girl if you don't stop with all this extra gushiness and lies. You know I'm not on your mind like that. Shoot in that case, you might as well label me as the skin on your brain (weird way to explain what I mean but it still flows).

Y'all I didn't know what to say. Mostly cause she was on my mind a lot too... except I didn't like it.

She was stressing me out and her telling me that she was also thinking about me too, made me second guess myself!!! Allowing my mind to wander to places it never should have went. Duh duh duhhh.

But seriously. I hadn't had someone on my mind so heavy like that in a long time. So I was over here like Jesus, help me out.

Except, I really didn't. I wasn't calling on Him as much as I did towards the end... it seemed as if I was trying to handle it all on my own. Leading me to open more doors to other temptations.

Welcome to: Night Text

Okay, back to those places where my mind started to wander to. Yea I admit, Musoke was pretty attractive....though we were indeed very physically opposite. Me being way thicker her way thinner. There was still just something about her though...

We were one year apart, I was 19 going into my third year in college and she was 18 going in her second. She was also quite mature, well, so I thought. We didn't have deep conversations but she did know how to hold a decent one.

She would call me "ma" which turned me on. Why? Well cause Iv'e never been called a "ma" or anything from a girl besides "girl". Plus Musoke talked to me in a "you matter type way". I just felt appreciated by her which gave me an excuse to start flirting.

I must say that I can be awkward, BUT very flirtatious. Of course Musoke responded and always added "very" when she described me.

"You're very beautiful"... "You're very talented"

Those four little letters made a drastic change to every compliment she gave to me. I would believe her and that's how I opened another door that I could barely handle.

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What's up y'all!

Excuse the late updates. I've also been focusing on my new book "Prosperous Poetry"... Go check it out when you can ;).

Either way I'm honestly still figuring out the layout for this story BUT I have decided to make each chapter short in mini parts. So basically continue what I've been doing.... for now lol

Inspired by Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

Except I really didn't. I wasn't calling on Him as much as I did towards the end... it seemed as if I was trying to handle it all on my own. Leading me to open doors from other temptations.

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight".