save me. changlix

2.

the smile that pulled at felix's lips at chan's comment was gone as quick as it appeared when he entered the bus and saw hyungjin and changbin sitting laughing together.

"binnie you said you would sit with me" felix whined trying to look as cute as possible.

"ahh i'm sorry felix can't you sit with chan or something"

"oh no no that fine i'll move i actually need to talk to seungmin"

a little smile came back on the younger boys face but the comment changbin made was preventing it being a full one. he's trying to get rid of me now. this and other thoughts buzzed in felix's head as he sat down. his eyes were glued to the floor not wanting to look at the boy seated next to him.

"lix are you okay?" once again with the lix.

no i'm not alright i haven't been okay in a while now but i'm so scared you'll get up run away if i tell you what's really going on in my head. i can't sleep, i hate myself something but other time i love me, i want to cry i want to be sad all the time but i fear the reaction i'll get. i can be happy without wanting to be. i don't understand myself anymore.

"i'm fine"

"are you sure?"

"of course"

"i missed you when you left me this morning" comments like that made a million butterflies swirl around in felix's stomach. he loved that that feeling was caused by changbin and no one else. maybe i love him. nah i can't can i?

no more words were exchanged between the boys as they just sat in comfort silence. this is all felix wanted in life. to be happy and content and he know that he felt like that when with changbin.

the lack of sleep was becoming intoxicating for felix, he was struggling to keep his eyes open. his eye lids dropped but he forced them back open. this continued on for a few minutes until changbin said "felix just go to sleep already it's tiring just watching you try to stay awake."

ah of course the obvious thing to do in this situation. wrong. felix has developed a kind of fear of sleeping because it allowed him to think about the thoughts he tried to hide away. he hates the thought of having to try and sleep because there was no distraction.

"i can't" he mumbled back to changbin not really wanting to go into details.

"and why is that?" of course he wants details.

felix stayed silent this time.

"your not scared are you?" changbin said with a laugh. again felix stayed silent.
"are you?" a serious tone quickly replaced the laughter.

instead of saying anything felix just resting his head in his hands waiting for changbin's next words, probably something about how he was weird. but no words came instead changbin pulled felix into him and wrapped his arms round his waist. similar to what felix has done earlier that morning.

once again that small smile appeared on his lips as felix leaned onto changbin's shoulder with eyelids fluttering shut. maybe i'll be able to sleep properly now was felix's last thought as he drifted off.

09.02.19 wow it's been a while.