Inside A Muddled Mind: Distorted Memories

Desire to be free

I sit in the middle of my blinding white room. It's more like a cell. A dull, stuffy, cell with dark oak floors. It doesn't seem like much but when you've been here as long as I have it becomes home. Your very own tiny, microscopic piece of hell.

Tap, Tap. Tap

The calm and calculated steps echo down the hallways and empty corridors. I watch from within my mind's eye, the cold rubber boot souls. I feel my heart hammering in my chest with every step.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

He's turning the corner.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

His dark, dirt-covered, clothes fill my vision. I can remember every detail about them. Seven buttons on the button down shirt. The large embroidered JNCO crown on his left back pocket but yet, no matter how hard I try, I can never recall what really matters most, his face.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

My breath is coming out in short gasps. Black dots are dancing across my vision. I shift my weight so I am sitting on my legs. I tuck my firmly clasped hands under my arms and lean all the way over my knees, allowing my long black hair to fall to floor and mix with my tears. My filthy, traitorous, tears.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

I listen to the sound of his footsteps fading into the background. My body is shaking so bad that I am terrified to stand at all.

"How could I be so stupid? Why couldn't you have taken me with you? Does God not want you to bring a filthy soul like mine with you? Or does God simply not exist at all?"

"You know you shouldn't talk about yourself like that."

I watch her shoot to the nearest wall and hug her knees. A startled, wild, expression flash through her eyes. Nevertheless, despite the sharp look in her eyes I can still detect the thin veil that separates her from us. She sees "me" but not me.

That bastard is going to pay

"Sky, it's me, Luke."

Realization pokes at the corners of her eyes.

"Luke."

She nods her head slightly and pulls her bony body up to stand. As I watch her wobble a bit sadness and guilt tears at my gut. I slowly walk over to her and pull her into a hug purposely lifting her little. I feel her body tense up with the sudden contact.

"Luke, put me down. I'm dirty."

I slowly walk over to the bed to set her down but with every step I feel her squirm a little.

"Calm down Sky. I'm just going to put you on the bed. It has got to be more comfortable that the floor." I say in a joking manner.

I stand there holding her trembling figure until she stopped fighting me. When she finally stops I turn around and back up and sit on the bed with her on my lap resting my chin on the top of her head.

"You calm now?" I smile a little when I feel a tiny nod. "I have some good news for you." I look down at her tiny, tear stained, face. "The doctors said that because of your outstanding progress, you will be able to come home with me and attend school."

Skylar doesn't reply. She only walked to the corner across the room and buried her head in her knees. Frustrated, I run my fingers through my hair and stand.

"You're going to have to face then sometime. You know, you can't hide here forever."

When she doesn't reply I decide its best if I take my leave. I think back to three years ago. That night at the hospital. I could barely recognize her. She was covered in so much dirt and blood the doctors couldn't tell where her hair stopped and her skin began. I thought that was the worst part but after they took all the dirt and blood off all the bruises and gashes were revealed to all. It was like I was looking at an entirely different person. Even though she was unconscious you could still see the pain embedded in the features of her face. I leave the facility with a small grin.

She really is an amazing person.

I watch my stepbrothers fading back from my corner. His words keep playing over and over in my head.

Outstanding progress. You can come home with me. Come home with me. Home.

"Are you ready for home Coco?" I ask my palm sized brown bear. "Yeah me neither."

I pick myself up off the ground and walk up to the door. I hold my breath as I reach out for the cast iron door knob.

Well here goes nothing.

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A picture of Skylar up top *-)