Inside A Muddled Mind: Distorted Memories

Bring yourself up

A few hours. A few days. All remains the same in my eyes. The only difference to me is the varying shades of grey that outline my existence. The dull aching pain is never ending and so I never wander far from my room for fear of the disappointment I receive from my step-father. I sit in the same corner of my bed lost in thought. Funny enough, to all of you who seem to have enough heart to read this, the same blank white wall never seems to lose interest in what I have to say and that is why it is possible to practice self-reflection. That is until I am distracted by the soft tapping of knuckles on hollow wood followed by those dreaded words any adolescent hates....

"Get up, time for school."

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It all has to start with math. Mr. Berkley's room. So I'm looking for the new room on the first floor, 120a.

I clutch the strap of my empty pale blue backpack as if it is my only hope for life. I keep my head down allowing my dark hair to fall over my face as I navigate through the student lined halls.

114a.

Anxiety feels my chest to the brim driving my pulse up with every step.

116a.

The hateful stares are like daggers piercing at my back as I walked by. I didn't think it could get any worse but I was wrong, before the Halls were silent with everyone plastered against the wall staring now they thundered with life brought on by the ringing of the Bell.

118a.

Pushing and shoving leaves you in a whirlwind if you new to the game. I shouldn't be considered new but after being locked up for so long you could say it's like pushing a three-year-old into the driver's seat and telling him to drive. I'm definitely going to end up with some bruises. I start pushing with the flow of people but it seems like every step I take forward I get pushed at least five back. It didn't take long until I felt my knees hit the ground. I keep getting pushed forward into the sides with people's feet hitting my skeleton frame. I stay there on the ground with my head between my legs for what felt like it were an hour. Even after the sound of people's feet no longer was there I stayed there. The panic and fear was still there. My body was there but my soul was not. I could see myself being pulled and falling back into an open void.

I got up slowly after several minutes and started moving what the door. A million questions flood my brain. I manage to make it to the door as the biggest question hits causing my body to freeze. What if he is in there? My hand remains on the door handle with no desire to turn. I slowly back away from the door. My mind is numb so I allow my feet to take the lead. My feet take me to an all too familiar stair well. Kissers Corner. I used to ditch chemistry with my friend Maxine as a freshman. An image of my amber eyed friend flashed through my head. Another image of her bright smile that made the twin dimples on her cheeks stand out. I remember how we had went to that party. We were on spring break at that time and, ironically, I had just celebrated my thirteenth birthday two days ago. My parents were going to be out of town for the whole month so my older step brother luke was in charge of the house. I shake my head violently. I already knew where this would lead to and i wasn't ready to remember.

¨ So you're back in natural habitat already?¨

I turn my body around to face Shelby. Shelby had been one of my best friends back in grade school. I had met her back in sixth grade when she was known as an unusually tall gangly looking girl with freckles. During the summer before middle school started we started wearing makeup and getting our girlish figures. We had an argument two weeks before school started and didn't talk to each other. When school started she acted like a completely different person and I couldn't blame her because so did I. While she was enjoying the attention the boys gave her i was shrinking back in the corners of the room. I had never enjoyed all the attention in a classroom, in a party, that's a whole other story.

¨You haven't even been here an hour and your already hooking up with someone?¨

I didn't say anything. Just like all those other times she had tried to piss me off. Just like when she started going out with my boyfriend. Just like when she went out with Luke

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