grief is my friend.

where do you go

Now once again a new chapter yes I told you grief is my friend. Because it's the only thing that keeps him alive to me... but also saddens me . I can close my eyes and smell him,  hear him but every time I go to touch he's not there I feel bad everytime  I think of him because he'd gone and I'm dabbling and still sitting expecting him to come back...  like you can't be dead..  maybe it wasn't you that didn't deserve may it was me! Maybe I didn't push him hard enough. Maybe I could of saved maybe I couldn't it's a strange thought but I had a dream  after the funeral he was standing there in a dark blue suit with lilac shirt,  I was wearing something out of a Disney Princess movie.. it was beautiful our daughters were flowers girls and we were getting married, and I also wanted children with Damien because out of all things he thought he had failed he didn't fail at being a dad.. he's daughter was he's whole world , he spoke about her as if she ruled the planet. And I wanted to have a boy. And we laugh and argue because he wanted to call him.. goku or luffy  some kind of anime. Grief make me happy. But sad it's like they say keep your enimies closer cause I have a feeling.. I might self distruct .

So it's been a while  since I wrote this. But this all the true weird putting all your feelings out there.

Well once again grief is my friend,  you lose people in many different ways not just death but even through the relationship with people. I just lost a friend recently quite a special friend who's been there since the beginning I shared my hurt, pain, tear even my house sometimes, people say you bend over backwards for people, this time I believe that quote is true I don't even care for the fact of the horrible ways she spoke to before ending our friendship, what hurt me the most I's she didn't trust me, now I still hope she okay, probably doesn't even give a shift about me anymore. But like I said grief I's everywhere and you know whats funny I always classed myself as a family person, but I've never had a close family so I've been dealing with grief for a long time. My family left many times,  friends leave plenty. The one thing I hope that will not leave is myself once you lose yourself grief is no longer you're friend.  Now I'm not going to lie to I've been alone so long that I don't know how reach people or communicate very well. Through a screen I can obviously. I'm trying to use this as a way to come back to my happy self. If you saw me a few yeara ago pft you be like seriously she was that postive oh yeah..