Saving Grace

59

As the heavens turned neon pink and those deep, burning oranges returned to the Bayton skyline, I once again shuffled to the middle of the oak stretch, wrapped my young hands around the rusted railing, and heaved myself onto the ledge of Aloisi Bridge, where I swayed back and forth in the last breath of summer.

I was waiting to live, waiting to die, waiting to get out of the in between. I was waiting for her. The sharp, electric words, her hard eyes, scornful voice... I thought, however foolishly, that if I stood there long enough she might appear as the phantom who had haunted me since that first night. So, I swayed for hours and hours; watched the darkness blacken the neon sky, the still buildings in the distance come alive in a gold shimmer, the fireflies gather and disperse and gather again. And I watched it all thinking of how easy it would be to jump, how easy it would be to die, until the temptation grew too much.

Once again, I closed my eyes, felt the breeze kiss my tear-stained cheeks, and I pictured her face in my mind. Only then, as I stood alone in the dark, tempting Death, did I realise that Grace wasn't coming for me. Her voice would never call for me in the night, her eyes would never narrow at me, her lips would never harden or soften and the scent of vanilla and smoke would never again coat my lungs. So many things would never again happen, or would never happen in quite the same way, and I felt her silence killing me from the inside out.

There are plenty of rundown losers who would love to come down here and check out early, but that doesn't mean you get to. Life ain't that easy... Don't be so damn selfish.

My mind reeled, thoughts overlapping, clashing, streaming, flowing...

Your brother is downstairs. He loves you, and he needs you. So you walk, and you walk far, but when you are finished... You come back to him.

Do you ever feel like everything is falling apart, and no matter what you do, you just can't stop it?

I'm trying so hard to keep it together but all I can feel is everything falling apart.

I want a life with you... I want everything.

Please don't leave me.

I love –

BANG.

My eyes snapped open and my lungs desperately sucked in the cool night air. What was I doing? No, what the fuck was I doing? I looked down into the black stream, rolling down the hill in a violent tide, my toes inched over the edge. My body trembled, breeze cool on my spine. I lurched backwards, landing on the oak stretch in a thud, horrified with myself. How close I had come to death, how easily my life could have been extinguished like a gentle breeze blowing out a windowsill candle. I pushed myself to my feet with my goose-bump covered arms and raked my hands through my hair. I couldn't speak, couldn't think. Then, in the middle of that godforsaken bridge, overlooking the most disgusting city in the world, I sunk to my knees and cried like a little boy.

© A.G. Travers 2018