september song.

five

"shawn texted me last night, but i haven't replied." i told tiffany, picking at the bacon that was sitting on my plate.

"fuck what i said last night. you need to talk to him. say what you need to say so you can move on. there's other guys out there, kennedy." she replied, taking a sip of her coffee.
she was right. i wanted answers so badly. but more importantly, i truly did need them. i needed them so i could move on. forget about our past.

pulling out my phone, i sent a reply to shawn.

Kennedy: hey. yeah, i was sleeping.

finishing our breakfast, we cleaned up the dishes. it was soon time for tiffany to head to her afternoon classes at NYU. smart bitch.
i went up to my room to start getting ready when my phone buzzed. i quickly grabbed it, to see if it was shawn. of course.

Shawn 🌲: Yeah most people aren't just up at 6am.
Shawn 🌲: Can we talk?

sighing, i typed a quick reply.

Kennedy: yes, please.

it wasn't long until i heard the familiar noise indicating i got a new message.

Shawn 🌲: Same address?
Kennedy: yeah
Shawn 🌲: I'll be at your door at 5.

-----

the next couple of hours were spent by me getting ready, watching netflix, cleaning, and impatiently waiting for shawn. after what seemed like forever, 5 o clock rolled around and he was at my door at the top of the hour.

taking a deep breath, i walked to the front door, opening it slowly for him, inviting him inside. he handed me a boquet of white roses, my favorite flowers. i thanked him, as we sat down on my couch, me sitting as far away from his as i could. even though there was nothing that i wanted more than to be in his arms right now.

"so," we both started at the same time after a few moments of awkward silence.

he chuckled softly, "go ahead ken," he said.

"i really don't think i need to say much, shawn. i texted you so many times, got nothing in reply. not a single word. do you know how shitty that made me feel?" i said, as he kept his eye contact with me, nodding slowly.

"and to finally see you after so long just for you to still tell me you had my phone number still? that was douche move. i almost wish you would've pretended you didn't know me." i finished, sighing loudly.

"kennedy, there was nothing i wanted more than to be able to call you or text you about everything happening. you were my person. the one person that i knew i could go to anything for. i miss that. there is no excuse for the type of person i've been," his voice cracking slightly as he pulled on the ends of his hair. "ken, you have no idea. this industry sucks. i love what i do, but i hate the business. i'm not making excuses, i'm not playing victim. i'm just telling you because you deserve to have your answers on why i'm so fucked up." he said, scooting a little closer to me as i sat there with a blank stare.

"go on," i said lowly.

"the first year in to everything was decent. that's why we kept in contact so often. you knew everything that was going on. hell, you were the first to know everything," he said, frowning a bit.

"after that, things went down hill, and fast. when i hit the charts, that's when labels and contracts were brought in to the picture. i had to sign that i wouldn't disclose any information about my career whatsoever to people not associated with it. so that meant anybody other than management and my label. they took control of everything. i didn't have access to my own social media for a bit."
"as soon as i saw you at the show i said fuck the contracts, i needed you back in my life and i'm willing to do what it takes."

"you can't sit here and tell me that the reason you haven't talked to me is because you weren't allowed to tell me about your career, shawn." i said, laughing a little bit as i tried to keep my anger level to a minimum.

"i'm not saying that's the reason ken, what i'm saying is-"

"get to the fucking point, shawn! you know i cared about you more than anything. we didn't have to talk about your fucking career, i could sit and talk to you for hours about anything else in this world, and you know that. you. our connection meant everything to me!" that's it. i lost it. a tear slipped out as i quickly wiped it away. for once, it wasn't a sad tear. i was angry.

"i really don't know what else to tell you. i wish i could sit here and give you a good reason. i felt like me not being able to tell you anything about my life would suck. and instead of just telling you that, i ran from it. i felt like me not being able to tell you things would make you think i didn't trust you, and i'm a bitch for that. i get that, i don't expect you to forgive me." he said, standing up, getting ready to leave.

"sit." i said, pointing to the couch like he was a dog. i guess in a way, he was at this moment. a bitch.

"so for four years, you couldn't of sent me a 'hey, i'm super busy i miss you!' text?" i asked him as he kept his eyes locked on the floor. no reply.

"yeah, i didn't think you'd have much else to say. you can go now," i said, standing up to get some water as he made his way to the door.

"i'm sorry kennedy." he said quietly as he opened the door.

"delete my number." i yelled back as i heard the door shut.

immediately after it closed i let my tears fall. he really wasn't the same. his new celebrity life had changed him. i knew that and couldn't accept it until today. it's time for me to move on.

goodbye, shawn mendes.