Maybe I'm Not Worthless (Park Jimin x BTS Fanfiction)

Chapter 26

Jimin pov~ (I'm gonna put a warning here just in case don't read if you're sensitive to slight mentions of self harm and suicide)

After I left the library I walked to the front of the building, pushing the front doors open. I went down the stairs, and walked over to a tree before flopping on the ground. I took my backpack off and tossed it to the side. I rested my head against the trunk, staring blankly at the world in front of me. What was I doing here? This is why Daehyun asked me to show up? He just wants to use me for a stupid campaign, it's a complete joke. He's probably just trying to get a raise, he doesn't care about helping me. If I had known it would have been this, I wouldn't have come. I rubbed my eyes as I heard the doors to the school open. I couldn't see that far to the door so I ignored the figures coming out. At least until they came closer.

"You're not getting away that easily," Daehyun smiled. I shook my head, not again. He sat down cross legged in front of me, the others as well. For a while Namjoon stayed standing until Daehyun grabbed his arm and pushed him down to the ground as well. "Can't I be alone? For once? I don't want to be a part of your stupid campaign," I said.
Daehyun shook his head, "it's not safe for someone in your mindset to be left alone."
I laughed, "the only thing keeping me in that mindset is having you and the people I despise more than anything in this world sitting in front of me."
Daehyun sighed, "it's not nice to talk about your friends like that."
I threw my hands up, "they're not my friends do you not get that? Why don't you ask that jerk over there," I motioned to Namjoon. Namjoon took a breath and looked at Jin, before looking back down.
Wow, now is the time that jerk decides to shut up?
I massaged my temples trying to get rid of the anger I felt.
I saw Eric pat Daehyun on the shoulder, "I think it's my turn to talk." Daehyun rolled his eyes but nodded.
"Jimin I know what you're thinking, we're just trying to use you to get something out of it. When Daehyun says this is a campaign that's the what the school sees it as, we can't really make a club around bullying can we? Daehyun created this to help you, to help all of you work through this," Eric said.
"isn't it a little too late to help me? Are you sure this is going to do anything?" I asked.
"It's never too late for help Jimin. It's worth a shot isn't it? I understand you hate them, but you should at least let them know why. This is for you to tell them how you feel. So please, just talk to us for a short bit," Eric said.
"If I talk can I leave?" I asked.
"That's reasonable Jimin, you can leave if you talk to us," Eric smiled.
I nodded, pulling my legs closer to my torso so that I could wrap my arms around them.

"Why don't we start at the beginning okay? Give me a simple version explaining the bullying in under five minutes okay?" Eric asked.
"Why does that matter?" I asked.
"Just listen to him," I heard Namjoon mutter, I raised an eyebrow before staring down at the floor to think.
"Well... I've always been bullied by a few people. Zico, Jb, and all of their friends have always hated me. But they had reasons for it I'm sure..... Namjoon and the others just started hating me one day. It was as if one day we were friends, and the next day every memory we ever had together was erased. They beat me up one day, without telling me the reason why....." I was too scared to look up, so I continued staring at the ground below me. "After they started, everyone else began hating me too. Every time someone popular like Namjoon hated something, the entire school hated it too."
"Then what happened?" Eric asked.
"Rumors were spread around school, except nobody told me what the rumors were. I always heard, "did you hear about Jimin?" "Did you see the news about Jimin?" But they never talked loud enough for me to hear what it was that they heard. I was left in the dark about my own rumors, how crazy is that?" I half-heartedly laughed.

I sighed before continuing, "they just got worse over the years. The beatings I took were more painful, the comments people made about me became crueler." I didn't want to continue from here, but if I did maybe they'd leave me alone.
"And eventually, the emotional pain started to outweigh the physical pain. I went into deep depression, I felt I was worthless. I knew I was worthless. It was like there was a weight that was dragging my heart around. Every night I'd have panic attacks, where my mind would take over and I'd hear nothing except the nasty remarks that were told to me at school....... the cutting began around that time. It started with a razor, and eventually that wasn't working well anymore. It didn't make me feel alive anymore, so I went to a knife one day when my mom wasn't home, I liked that it could cut deeper and smoother. I'd cover the cuts up with my sleeves, or I'd wear bracelets, so my mother didn't see how badly I mutilated my arms," my head fell down as the tears began flowing. "The knives stopped working a couple months ago, that's when the suicidal thoughts and attempts started—"
"Attempts?" Jin spoke up for the first time. I looked up to meet his puffy red face before focusing back on the grass below me.
"Around a month ago, you guys were upset about a failed pre-calc test that I aced and you all failed. So you cornered me in an alleyway on my walk home from school. You all beat me up, called me a freak, and told me to kill myself. You probably didn't think much of it, but it hurt me, so so bad. So I simply listened to what you said....."

I fiddled with my fingers, wiping the tears from my eyes. "I went home, and I took nearly every pain pill in the house..... but after I did it I got so scared, It felt like hours of me desperately trying to stick my fingers down my throat so that I would throw them back up, but I'm pretty sure it all really happened in under 5 minutes. I was sure I had spit them all up but I was still so scared to sleep all night, worried they would kill me. I stayed up crying, wondering if I should tell me mom to take me to the hospital. Of course being the idiot I was, I didn't but the next morning I was so grateful that I lived through it," I closed my eyes to try to stop the tears. "But yesterday, that changed. I didn't want to live in a world where everyone hated me anymore. I thought I could make people happy if I died. I just wanted to do what everyone wanted......" I looked up, watching as the tears fell from everyone's eyes. I even saw a single tear in Namjoon's eye. It should've made me upset, but instead I felt myself burning up with anger. I balled my hand into a fist. "But I changed my mind last night. I realized something, that this wasn't my own fault. That even if I did succeed in killing myself, it wouldn't have just been a suicide," I shook my head in annoyance and looked at them, "you all would've been an accomplice to murder, because every one of you would've chipped in to kill me," I said, noticing how their eyes widened in surprise. I rolled up my sleeves to reveal the cuts buried in my wrist and showed it to them. "This is what your words have done to me. You can cry all you want in this stupid group circle, you can try to make me forgive you, and you can plead to me all day if you want to but you're not ever going to be innocent in all of this. I just want you to think of how you would've felt if I was gone today. How you would've felt knowing you tore me apart and allowed me to tear my mother's life apart as well, how you would've felt knowing that I would've had to watch you move on with your life while I sat six feet underground," as I looked around I saw a lot of tears in a lot of eyes. I grit my teeth, "Stop crying okay? I have one last thing I want to say to you."
They stopped crying to look up at me. "Maybe next time...." I stared into each of their eyes, "I hope that maybe next time you won't let it get this far, you'll shut you're mouth because you'll now know what the consequences are of this. Because if you push me too far, if you cause me to walk over that ledge again it'll be blood on your hands, I hope you realize that right now. You all nearly killed me yesterday and I hope you figured that out at this point," I shut my eyes trying to stop the tears that fell.
"I don't think I have anything else to say right now. May I leave?" I asked.
"Yes jimin, thank you for talking to us," Eric said, trying to hide the tears in his eyes. I stood up and grabbed my bag, ignoring the sobbing I heard coming from Jin. Was I supposed to feel bad? I don't think so. After all, they never came to my rescue when I begged them to stop. They never did anything so why do they deserve to be treated with respect. I'm tired of blaming myself, maybe it's time I learned that this isn't my fault, it's theirs.

A/n: hey guys this is kind of a more intense chapter haha. Im still debating whether I like this chapter or not because the plot is good but I feel like I wrote it sucky and made it sound confusing. This chapter was inspired by a song called you're not innocent by codi kaye so give that song a listen if you want. Also, I'm not educated on pain killer overdosage so I'm just going off a movie I saw where a chick took too many, threw them up, and was fine after but that might not be factual. Anyways, question of the day is, who do you like more out of the counselors? Eric or Daehyun? And why? love you all, please comment and favorite :) ❤️