Poisoning From The Inside

What Have I Done?

As I held Izaya in my arms, I couldn't help but feel worse and worse. The most arrogant guy in Ikebukuro was almost reduced to nothing, and apparently it was all my fault. I glanced at his body curled up on my lap. He smelled heavily of alchohol and sweat. He must've been in the same clothes for a while now. He looked up at me and glared.

"Don't feel sorry for me when you don't even understand what's wrong. I'm not just a tool for your repentance," Izaya spat at me. I understood why he thought so low of me, and talked to me like I was trash, but how in the hell can he kiss me so wantingly and then call me an asshole? Talk about confusing. . .

"What did I do to make you feel this way? Maybe if you just opened your goddamn mouth and told me, I wouldn't have to be treated like trash because I'm trying to be kind," I frowned down at him. I deserve a lot of what I was getting out of him, but when I'm really trying to be nice, and I'm treated like garbage, that's when I draw the line. If I was seriously going to help his punk ass, I deserved some respect.

"You judged me without getting to know me. You ever heard the fucking saying 'If he's mean to you, that means he likes you'? Well it's true asshole! Are you that naive, that you can't tell how head over heels I am for you?  There are so many times in my life I've wanted to bash your fucking face into the wall because everytime I tried to talk to you- or even blantently confess my feelings, you'd throw random ass objects at me. Did you even ever consider the fact that I might actually have something worth while to say?  I don't think I've ever been so confused in my life! Do you know how it feels to live your whole life vowing to never fall in love, and then turn around one day and realize you're gay and in love with your worst enemy?!" Izaya punched me in the chest as hard as he could. I could only stare down at him, my mind in complete oblivion. 

"You- You what?" Is all I could say as I took in his words and let them process in my brain. He got up from my lap and poured himself another glass of vodka, almost chugging it down instantly. Tears filled his eyes.

"Don't you get it Shizuo? I love you! It's as simple as that! All the time I've known you, I've grown so attached to you that I didn't even care if you'd be the one to kill me, because as long as it's you, anything you do to me is fine. Just please. . ." Izaya paused, trying to gather himself back together again. "Please don't throw me away like I'm yesterday's useless trash," 

Before I could even process the words 'I love you' coming from his mouth, his lips were softly planted on mine again. He tasted sour, exactly like the vodka he was drinking. His touch was gentle and timid, which was the opposite of who he was. I couldn't handle this all, it was too  much. I pulled Izaya's lips away from mine and stared into his eyes. He looked away and poured yet another glass of alchohol. 

"Why would you even feel that way toward me? Are you drunk or something? The Izaya I know, only thinks I'm a blond monster with a protazoic brain," I forcefully grabbed his face making him face me, but all I got in return was a firm slap.

"How dare you even say that you know me! You know nothing about me except my goddamn name and address!" Izaya yelled at me. He looked furious. "As a matter of fact, nobody knows me! Not even me! I lost my sanity a long time ago. I battle myself everyday. You know nothing Shizuo! NOTHING. " He drank down the whole glass of vodka in one swallow, and looked over at me, merciless eyes piercing into me like daggers.

I couldn't bring myself to say another word for a while. He looked so distraught and broken, that it physically hurt me in turn. I never thought in my whole life I'd see him like this. I always thought he was so strong, when really on the inside he was falling apart. I put my hand on his shoulder, softening his expression.

"Izaya, can you please just tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it?" I asked him. I really couldn't take seeing him so broken anymore. I don't understand what's wrong with me. This morning I wanted to kill the bastard, but now all I wanted to do was hold him. Either this was a mind trick of his, or I was feeling a little more than sorry for him.

He looked up at me and let the tears that were building up on his eyelids, spill down his face. "You ignored me as a person. The only way you'd pay attention to me, was with murderous intent. I could never get you to see me for what I truly was- an actual person. You just saw me as a stupid bug that needed to be squashed. A flea that had no place in this world," He turned his arm over and pulled up his sleeve, revealing to me an arm full of fresh cuts, scabs, and scars. He did the same to the other arm and it was the exact same. "Over all this time, I finally cracked and thought, maybe I didn't have a place in this world. I was so confused- I still am. The only thought that harbored my brain though, was 'If Shizuo doesn't want me, what's it worth anoymore? This masquerade that I put on everyday, isn't worth it anymore.' I broke Shizuo. You broke me," 

He looked up at me with broken, tear filled eyes. I couldn't speak. I was afraid if I spoke, I would burst into tears with him. What have I done?