Phantom Chained

Chapter 13. Gaze of the abyss. Ingrid.

I didn't even begin to imagine how many words accumulated inside of me, ripening and rotting, poisoning me with toxic vapours and bursting out from within. Phrases came out with repulsive spasms making it hard to breathe. My mind puked out shreds of memories, maddening chunks of a nightmare.

Then, everything came to a sudden halt. There were no words left. No thoughts remaining. Just feelings.

The scent of cologne, mixed with a light smell of laundry detergent on warm human skin. The soft sensation of a jacket, clumped where my fingers were fitfully clutching. The feeling of fabric, damp from my tears. The heartbeat by my ear.

The weight of a man's hand under my head.

This weight filled me with a feeling of tranquillity and safety. With those putrid words gone, I now felt lighter than a cicada that just shed its skin. So light, that even the slightest breeze could carry me far, far away, blowing me into pieces of chitin, legs, antennae. But the steady hand would not let me fly away.

Good.

But for how long? How many heartbeats are left before my inevitable return?

What I used to call home was now filled with a thick fog of hatred. A fog from which I escaped when Olaf finally led my mother away from my room, like a rabbit running from the jaws of a wolf.

The old park, damp under the rain, introduced me to a labyrinth of empty leaf-covered alleys that I wandered until Johan came.

"Two years ago, my dad sent me and Sophie to a summer sports school."

A lighter clicked, exhaling a bitter stream of smoke that mixed with the cold dampness and rose up into the dim space between Johan's jacket and his body. Johan quickly covered me with half of the jacket, hiding me under the warm shelter that I've been sitting in for the last... half an hour? Less? Regardless, confessing my embarrassing actions was easier in the dark, with squinted eyes, pressing my burning forehead against the chest of a person who cares.

It was unusual to hear Johan's voice echo in the depths of his body, so close to mine.

"The camp was quite interesting; there were games, hikes, survival lessons. One of the best teachers was this Polish guy named Vatslaw. There are some lucky people on this planet; they know everything, can do anything and make people feel the opposite of jealous. Vatslaw was one of those people. I think he earned the favour of everyone in the school as there was always a group of open-mouthed kids following him."

"I didn't even notice how I became one of his favourites. There were ten of us at first, a little group of mischievous kids that snuck out into the forest at night. We told scary stories by the fire and made altars from roots to honour the woodland spirits. One day, Vatslaw made an ouija board. We all had fun but Vatslaw... he was selecting."

"When the choice was made, our group began to grow smaller. One guy broke his leg, then a pair of brothers decided they wanted to leave. One after another the kids found reasons to stop attending the 'sessions.' By the end of summer, there were only two of us left. The one that stayed along with me was Irji, a boy who was tiny but somehow way stronger than me. He could control memories of objects and even infuse them with power. Despite that, Vatslaw also praised me, calling me a strong medium and making me very proud of myself."

"It's very painful and embarrassing for me to remember what happened during our midnight trips but you need to know. The most important point is that was the first time I stumbled upon the Abyss."

"'Magic' is too simple and vulgar of a word to describe the interaction with the eternal darkness of starving eyes. It would be next to impossible to explain everything to someone who has never experienced it themselves even if I was the best storyteller in the world. I remember how it was a sensation similar to being dissolved yet at the same time getting your whole being purified, achieving your true self. Have you heard the phrase, 'when you stare into the Abyss, the Abyss stares back?' It really is like that, with one addition."