Goodbye, Evan

14

  His shoulders shake. His face is hidden from me by his hair and the angle at which he stands but I think he might be crying. I try to grab his wrist again but he twists away. It stings somewhere in my chest. 

"It's okay," I say hurriedly, even though I know it's not, even though I don't know how to help. "He's a fucking asshole. Sorry, I know he's your dad. But we can go together, right? You and me and Georgia. We can go visit... visit your mum together."

 My voice trails off and I realise that it's not enough. I'm not enough. 

Theo sighs then gives me a forced smile that wavers like a tepid ocean. "Just... can you leave me alone for a while? Please?" 

"O...okay."

 He nods, then heads up the stairs without looking back. There are no sounds coming from Georgia in the kitchen, no noise from anywhere in the house after Theo's bedroom door slams shut.

 He's hurting and I can't do anything. I've failed him. I'm not enough and I never will be. 

*******************

He doesn't wake from a nightmare, but his sobs echo through the walls of the house. I lie awake and listen to them, wishing I was brave enough to get up and wipe his tears away. 

"Theo?" 

I knock on the door three times the next morning, the vibrations of my fist sounding pathetically sorrowful through the layer of expensive wood.

 "Theo, we have to be gone in half an hour." 

The door flies open so quickly and unexpectedly that I stumble back, very nearly landing on my butt. 

Theo stands there. Shirtless again, although this time it's because he's in the middle of dressing. Hair rumpled. Looking like he's leaving after a one night stand.

 I blush in a way that would make the boy standing before me jealous and quickly pin my eyes on his face. "Er... we have to.. go, soon."

 Theo smiles and his eyes are as hard as diamonds. "Wow, way to act casual." I blush even harder. Oh no. Oh, no. "Look, I know you heard me fucking crying last night. I know. I'm a little bitch. Get over it, let's move on, stop acting weird." 

I hadn't forgotten. His eyes are red and ringed with shadows but that isn't why I'm flushing like I've slapped repeatedly with a salmon. 

"I'm really sorry," I say. "That it happened... and that I couldn't help." 

He shakes his head. "Not your fault. Meet you by the front door in ten?" 

He closes the door so that my half-hearted "Yeah," is only heard by the wood that just got slammed in my face. 

*******************  

It's a wordless bus ride, but Theo brought earphones this time instead of headphones and we listen to something loud and angry and emo with the volume too high. Theo taps his fingers to the beat, his mouth set in a hard line. I scratch on the knee of my jeans and he doesn't stop me this time. 

When we get to the school, Theo heads around the back of the building without dumping his bag first. Luckily, there's nobody there. We sit on the same bit of fence as before, a sizeable gap between us, and Theo turns up the music so loud that I have to hold the earbud at least an inch away from my head.

 As the song ends on a long, drawn-out, screaming note, I tap Theo's shoulder and motion for him to take the earphone out. Surprisingly, he complies.

 "Do you... do you wanna talk about it?"