the two tongues (pen oneshots)

PAIN IS TEMPORARY, BUT I AM PERMANENT

"you're here because you feel bad," the sentence tumbled out of patty's mouth without a second thought. the sentence had been drilled into his mind for weeks, and he just couldn't gain the strength to rip it out, to reach into the depths of his head and scoop out every negative, intrusive thought that ate at him. so he released the pessimism in some other form, words directed at his lover.

"don't be silly, you know that's not true," ben sighed, not looking up from his newspaper, for this conversation was common. patty was always unsure of how tight their bond actually was, always questioning each chip in the road, every flaw that might come up.

"no, no, it makes sense," the boy mumbled, his eyebrows furrowed as he thought of all the reasons ben could be with him, sitting in the same couch in the same room breathing the same air at the same time. "i get it. you fell in love with me, or i suppose you did, but then it became too much but now you're trapped because you made a promise," patty glanced down at the promise ring ben granted him only a few months ago, "and now you're committed."

"i think- hear me out, it's only a possibility- that maybe i'm here because i love you," ben said, flicking his eyes up to see patty glaring at his hands and picking at the dead skin the formed around his fingers. ben mumbled a short "stop that" and carefully picked patty's hands in his own, playing with each finger carefully and slowly. "don't think for a second that you are not the best thing that has ever happened to me." ben bit his lip as he watched patty's eyes, waiting for the colour of reassurance to flood into his irises and brighten the hues. "alright?"

patty started to nod, but ended up just looking back down at the ground. "i don't wanna be a burden. and every day i become more and more doubtful that you actually need me. and it's so scary, to be so unsure of a love you thought so strong," patty whispered, pulling his palms away from ben's grasp as embarrassment washed over him, taking the form of a bright pink shade painted onto his cheeks. he started to fiddle with his fingertips, poking at his skin and enjoying the shots of small pain that came with it. "and this isn't your fault," patty quickly added, shaking his head, "no, you're not doing anything wrong. i am. i'm doubting. always. and i shouldn't."

"babe," ben started slowly, reaching for patty's chin, brushing his fingers under his jaw and rising it up so their eyes were connected. "don't think like that. you are so special to me. and i don't know how to get it through to you."

"it just hurts. sometimes."

"i know."

"and i don't want you to think you only need to be here until it stops hurting. like that's your job. i don't want this to be a job." patty's voice wavered slightly, hinting at some sort of silent meltdown. something was itching at his veins, begging to break in, dive into his insides and trudge out of his eyes. race down his cheeks like rain and crash into his trembling lips. but patty was holding it back, keeping the water behind the dam, keeping the sorrow outside his flesh.

"this isn't a job for me. baby, i'm not doing any work, i'm just loving you," ben mumbled, wiping his fingers across patty's cheek where a tear had suddenly appeared. patty's face flushed red again as he realized the sudden release of water .

"you won't leave me?" patty looked up at ben, and at that very moment he looked so vulnerable, so broken and scared, gripping onto every ounce of hope he had left and letting himself hang there, tied up in the strings. his eyes were big, watery and large, unsure and afraid, a story hiding underneath the white clawing through. his pupils were shaking, dilating and shrinking back, uncertainty vibrating the circles.

"i would never," ben promises, his pinky itching toward patty's, wrapping itself up in his, a silent oath. "baby, this pain you're feeling, it's temporary. but i, i am so damn permanent. i will never go anywhere."

"why're you so perfect?" patty murmured, pushing himself as close as he could to the older boy, wrapping his sleeved arms around his waist, his finger nails digging into the loops of his jeans. his legs flew over ben's lap, causing his whole body to slide up, so he was completely on top of his boyfriend, his head pushed into his chest.

it was a cute picture, patty lain on top of ben's body, pressed up against him, their frames intertwined, together, one. it was a nicely comfortably positioned shot, a glorious everything you'd want in a relationship delineation.

"you're cute," ben said, in complete awe of the creature atop him, cuddled into his body, warming up everything around them. this man, a beautiful example of perfection, he really had the audacity to think he was not loved. that he was only pitied, sympathized, merely a problem people attempted to solve. ben yearned to peel open his eyes so he could the magnificent wonder he lived as, a godly man that had added so much to so many.

"and i love you." ben leaned his head down to kiss the tip of patty's nose, his touch sending red streaks to wipe across patty's skin, and a smile to peak across his lips. "and you are my favourite person. and you are so loved. and you are so needed and cared for. and i will spend the rest of my days making sure you know how much you mean to everyone."

"don't waste your time on that."

"no no. i am not wasting my time. i am only loving. that's all this is. me, loving you. so much." ben dropped his head so that it landed atop patty's, their figures laced together in such a way now that they looked like a ball. and it was the most comfortable position they could be in, feeling so warm and loved and cared for. it was beautiful, truly truly beautiful.

i don't know how to do this