the two tongues (pen oneshots)

I WISH I COULD SAY I SEE YOU IN THE STARS, BUT THAT CLICHE JUST DOESNT EXIST

trigger warning ; suicide and stuff yk yk but not really idk

this one hurts to write

he texted me, a warning he wanted only me to know, one last piece of him he was leaving, a final goodbye sent straight to my phone. of course i wasn't there to answer it, but i never feel guilty for that, because i know he ended it the second it was delivered. he pressed the little blue arrow and then he was out, a pale cold body on the ground. or at least that's what the doctor's said. and i believed them.

a quick, pain free death, that's what they said. overdosed. a common reoccurring theme, the way everyone seemed to be going now. ropes and blades are so early 2000s, now it was all about the painless endings.

these doctors told me so much.

they told me he's okay now.

they told me he didn't feel it.

they told me to stop crying.

no really ben stop crying it's been 6 months we're getting worried

and i said okay, but i never did. i still cry. i never stopped. and i have become content with the fact that i never will.

patty walters was 17 when he died, and today he would be 18. he would be an adult, and today, today is the day we would've ran away together. ever since we were little he said the same thing. ben when i am 18 we will run away and we will love some place else- and maybe i'll marry you if you're lucky.

so on this very day i write to him a letter, an explanation. a confession. full of all we could do if he was alive to do it.

and it went like this:

dear patty,

yes, i am sat at my desk, on the chair you used to throw me onto. make out with me and spin on. your legs wrapped around my waist, your midsection grinding deep into my- no, that's not important.

what's important is that today is your day. our day. the one full of promises we both made. i want you to know that if you were still here, my words would still stand, and we would be out of this stupid town in no time.

i wanted to write a sweet letter, a pretty message that i could hang up on my wall and hope for you to see from wherever you are. but patty, patty i'm angry. i am so fucking angry and i have not stopped being angry since the day you thought it'd be okay to leave.

the day you called it quits without a name on your mind. i know you didn't think of me, the consequences and aftermaths of your stupid decision. what the fucking hell is wrong with you patty? how could you think this was alright?

you threw me on the ground and ran away before i could look up. what a shitty thing to do. you're a shitty boyfriend i gave you so much you didn't fucking deserve m-

i'm sorry. you were hurting. i have to remind myself that. that this wasn't your fault, you were in pain and this was your only release. you cared about me, i know. but it's hard to remember without you here saying it.

but, i need you to know, that i have not been the same without you. the claws perched on my shoulders have gotten sharper and longer and they have dug deeper. the teeth have sunk beyond my flesh, and have resorted to chewing at my muscle. insects have entered my insides and are gnawing at my bone marrow. i feel like a corpse. i feel dead and eaten.

you made me feel like this.

and i just-

i don't know how to make it stop.

i just need you. so much. more than anything.

fuck patty i miss you.

and i wanted this to be poetic and beautiful and something like the songs you'd write- so magnificent and mind blowing. but i am no artist, just sad and heartbroken. and lonely.

and i'm in love with a lost man.

and i can't say goodbye.

so i wrote you a letter, in hopes that it would help, but i just keep crying and now my papers wet.

and patty, i wish i could say i see you in the stars tonight. but that's a cliche that just doesn't exist.

and i'm sorry i wasn't enough.

and i love you.

what the hell is this ? i don't know.