To be a Criminal

Chapter 1

What would you do if you started contemplating suicide? Tell someone? Let them judge you? Well I didn't want to give up my life, but nothing good had come from it. My parents divorced when I was eight. Old enough to understand what was going on. They had been fighting all my life. After they split my mom had full custody of me. She picked up her old drinking habits and started to smoke. At that age I shouldn't have been cleaning the house, cooking dinner or even making sure my mom had some sleep. But that's exactly what I did. I was on my own. My mom had changed. She didn't care for me. Sometimes I wonder how my life would be if I went to live with my dad. Would I be happier? On November 20th I turned nine and no knew. No one cared. I didn't even bother telling my mother. That afternoon I remember her screaming from the bathroom. I was banging on the locked door trying to get her out. Finally the door swings open. She marches out with anger. I see there in her hand and pregnancy stick. She puts it on her nightstand and goes out to get a drink. After making sure she was gone, I went over to look. Positive. My mom is pregnant. But she had brought home so many men that I have no clue who the father is. I waited for her that night. She didn't come home. Not until three days had past. I didn't do anything. I just waited. I waited three days for someone who doesn't care about me, and I was worried sick. When she came home, she pulled out a suitcase and poured all her belongings in it.

"Get your stuff Amira, we're leaving." Without a question I do as I'm told. I say goodbye to the house. I did cry. But not for long. I was leaving the only thing dad had left for us. We drove for hours and I didn't say a word. Mom was always on the phone, sometime angry sometimes happy, almost flirty. Finally after 8 hours in the car she pulled up to a small building. The vines had climbed up the walls and muck huge the window frame.

"Follow me and be quiet." After negotiating with the man at the desk we are given a key to the apartment. Mom dumps her stuff on the bed and says

"I'm going out for a drink, I'll bring something home for dinner." I sighed and started unpacking.

Broken nights of sleep left me weak and fatigued, but mum still went out early morning and didn't return until late night. I should've gotten worried, but I wasn't. I've faced this scenario too many times. I went on with my life, doing what I could with what I had. Life hadn't been friendly to me, but I was no stranger to that. All my life I've lived like this. It's my 17th birthday tomorrow. Mom somehow was able to submit me into the public school. I'm not thrilled about it, but at least now there's something to do during the day. I pack my bag the night before school. At 8:30 mom came into my room. She sat down and put her hand in my shoulder.

"It's a big day tomorrow isn't it, your first day and school and in high school too!" I'm confused, I can't remember the last time mom came to me and talked. Had a real conversation.

"Yeah." Was all I could say.

"Well you better get to bed, have a good night sleep." She smiled and left. I furrowed my brows and finished up packing. At around midnight I suddenly wake up, can hear someone talking. I tip toe out to the living room and see that mom's lights are still on. I make my way over to her. I stop at her door.

"Yes, she's going to school now. Five days a week from 8:30 to 3:00. Life is going to be so much easier with her out the way. She was always there, annoying little thing." And that was all I needed to hear. I run back to my room and crash on to my bed and burst out in tears. I sobbed quietly for the next hour. I actually thought that my mom had loved me. Cared for me. Only to be fooled. She just needed an excuse to get me away.

The next morning my alarm went off at 7:30. I get up and check moms room. She isn't there. I sigh and grab my bag. On my way to school I buy a granola bar for breakfast and walk silently. Letting my thoughts surround me. At the front gate a principle greeted me. He was confused on why my mom hasn't come with me. I didn't say much. I met a girl, Micky. She was going to be buddy for the day. I followed her around. At lunch I found a spot behind the science building. I didn't have anything to eat, because I had already spent all my money on the granola bar and the fees mom didn't pay.

"Hey! What do you think your doing here?! This is our spot and unless you get invited you better move your pretty little butt out of here." I stare up at the grey, solid eyes. I've had enough of it. Here I thought school was a place to get away from my mom's abusive behaviour. I roll my eyes.

"Did you just roll your eyes at me?" She asks me. I don't move my gaze. "You think you're strong?" I stand up. She's trying to size me up, but I'm a lot taller than her.

"And you think that you can intimidate me? You don't know who I am." Once she senses that I wasn't going to back down, she smiles.

"What's your name?"

"Amira."

"Sweet. You've earned a spot in our group. How's that?" My face softens.

"Sure." Another girl in the back of the crowd checks around the corner and takes out a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket. She passes them out and stops at me. They all look at me expectantly. I take one. I've never tried smoking before. What would my mom think of me? It doesn't matter. Why would she care. I light mine up and push it through my lips. I take a long drag. My lungs clog up and I can't breath. I blow out a cloud of smoke and cough up the rest.

"Not bad for a first timer."

I don't respond. My lungs feel stuffed and it gets harder for oxygen to enter my body with every breath. The girl puts her hand on my shoulder.

"Just sit down for a sec. The feeling will pass."

I drop down. Heaving heavily into a rhythm. In. Out. Finally I feel alright. I can breath. But there's a nagging sensation. I tap my feet. And take another drag.