Fake You Out - Joshler

Chapter Twenty-Six

Tyler lies awake that night, staring at the darkened ceiling of his bedroom, listening to the sound of Josh's breathing interwoven with Brendon, Michael, and Gerard's. It's a little after five, his body still refusing to shut down after the night he had with Josh. He hasn't been able to stop thinking about his confession, the one where he told Josh that he loved him instead of telling him what he's been doing for the past several months. He's tired; his body feels heavy and sluggish, a burden still weighing him down. It has nothing to do with the fact his eyes haven't even closed once, or that he hasn't slept in almost twenty-four hours, but it has everything to do with the dark secret he's hiding.

He was ready to tell Josh, he was. He didn't want to do it, but he needed to. He knew that it's time to finally let the truth come out, let it be known what he's done, what he's doing to the raven haired boy lying next to him. Tyler rolls over slightly, shifting his body around so he's lying on his side facing Josh. He watches the other boy sleep, reaching out to ghost his fingers lightly over the sharp line of Josh's cheekbones. Josh stirs faintly, sighing in his sleep but doesn't wake up. Tyler's careful to make sure he doesn't wake him, or the sleeping boy on Josh's other side, Brendon tucked underneath his arm, his face pressed into Josh's ribs. Michael is lying across his and Josh's pillows, his little knee pressing against Josh's head as his body stretches out so he's sharing a pillow with Tyler. Gerard's laid out across the end of the bed, covered in his blanket from his own bed, using Josh's legs as a pillow and Tyler's legs as a footrest. It had been amusing pretending to sleep while the three of them crawled into bed, each of them barely getting far before they collapsed onto top of the mattress and fell asleep.

It leaves an ache in Tyler's stomach; the familiarity of the scene knotting up inside of him as he thinks of how it'll all be lost once Josh knows the truth. And he'll deserve it, the all-consuming pain that'll spread throughout his body when Josh leaves, but his kids don't. And he'll miss these moments; the ones that make them look like a proper family, the ones that have become them. The kids climbing into bed has become something not just for Tyler, but something defines them as a family, just like quiet nights at home, the exchange of household responsibilities.

Tyler looks at Josh and feels his entire body wash up in sadness, his heart twists as he strokes his thumb along Josh's cheek. "I'm so sorry," Tyler whispers, leaning forward to press a feather light kiss against Josh's forehead. "I'm so sorry." He repeats it, over and over and over again, like a mantra, one that he hopes will slip into Josh's subconscious and tack itself onto Josh's brain, infiltrating his memories, so when he finds out the truth he'll know Tyler is telling him the truth about being sorry.

He releases a deep breath as he pulls away, checking the time to see that it's nearly time for him to start getting ready for work. He figures he has five minutes; five minutes left he absolutely has to crawl out of bed and get ready for the day. He's going to talk to Patrick, going to try and figure out how he's going to tell Josh the truth. He doesn't want to, he never wants this life to end, but he has to, and he can't keep living a lie, especially when he's finally realized how he feels about Josh. He loves him, he does. This burning love that's worked its way into his bones, anchoring him down and keeping him in place.

Tyler's too busy staring blankly at the edge of space between Josh's collarbone and the shirt dripping down his shoulder - an old, worn out t-shirt that Tyler gave to wear for the night – to notice that Josh's waking up, his eyes slowly blinking open to look at Tyler.

"You watching me sleep?"

Tyler startles, jumping a little at the sound of Josh's voice. He glances up at his eyes, smiling softly when he sees Josh rubbing sleep from his eyes. "No," Tyler lies.

"Yeah you were," Josh says, sleepy smile pulling at his lips. He shuffles over, mindful of sleeping Brendon and settles against Tyler's side, resting his head against Tyler's ribs. "You all right?"