But I Love You (Loves You Not, #3) | ✓

Scene 7: Though She Gets Too loud

On my weak days, I lose.

She would be too loud, shouting in my ears as I walked to my room, fast. She would appear, screaming her pain out, and I would allow her. Her trauma would try to suffocate me and sometimes I would let them close their fingers long enough to disturb my breaths. She would cry and cry till her tears flood my head, clogged the parts that usually helped me rationalize things.

And that was why I would do anything to fall asleep before midnight.

I was like a modern Cinderella who did not lose her gown and shoes after midnight but her sanity instead. After midnight, I would be left alone with her. Sometimes I would have the energy to elbow her away but never to shut her up but sometimes I would just lie and not move, letting her do whatever she wanted.

"How are we held responsible for other people's sadness? How are we held accountable for their choice to not give up?" she shouted. I closed my ears and turned away. "It's like they're the only one with feelings. It's like you don't have them. Speak up!"

Her voice would weave itself into my small bones and tug. It would try to wrangle everything that my mind had compartmentalize, bring up things that I had forgotten so long ago. She would feel everything, from anger to longing to sadness to denial. Her cries of anguish from being misunderstood was the worst, she would shake me until I do something. Beg me to explain myself. Her words carried the weight of a past that I had already forgiven but still affected me. I was human after all.

"Go away."

"Tell me, am I dead?" she asked, demanding the answer. When I did not respond, she grabbed my arms, "Am I dead? Answer me!"

"Shut up, please."

"Am I dead?" she screamed a long howl, piercing to every single stand I had made of glass. I realised with a shock that it could shatter everything I built for months and panicked, slapping her across the face as hard as I could.

She fell on the floor like a heap, unconscious.