Sweet Kisses, Julie

8th letter

London, September 1st

Dear Julie,

Happy birthday to you... Today you turn 19 and we thought we'd be a sunny spring yet we keep feeling like a cold-hearted December

I am now in my "new" house, alone, crying on my bed because no one called, texted, or sent me a letter yet I keep waiting by the phone...

No one tried to reach me: Emma found a guy who keeps her happy, got her pregnant and are always together; James forgot you; Anthony keeps dead; mom doesn't know I left her house yet and dad never bothered to even read the letter, he just burnt it. So... yeah, I truly don't know what to do

...

Dear Julie,

An hour has gone by and nobody has yet reached out to us... I feel suffocated and sad... super sad! How can no one remember me? I feel like grabbing a razor and going back to old times when the razor would meet my body... maybe that's exactly what I'm going to do

WAIT

THE PHONE IS RINGING

"Hello?"

It's doctor Lena! She called to wish us an amazing day and year

____

Sweet Julie,

It has been over twenty-four hours and I can't stop thinking about my screwed up, damaged and bad choices in life... mainly the fight with Anthony... Man, when he said 'a druggie is always a druggie...'  he is right. A druggie is always a druggie, that's why I am so hungover right now.

Yesterday I met with my old dealer... We had a good fuck and he gave me molly as a gift. Can you believe it? I couldn't stop laughing, crying, smiling, singing...

But today my head hurts immensely! I can barely move

Not only my head though, but my heart is also hurt. I know that I deeply hurt Anthony, more than before

Why does everything that I do keeps hurting the people I deeply care about?

I spent all day thinking about the relapse... I was sober for almost a year and now... now it's gone. And it's gone for the sole reason that I am a screw up

Everything I do or touch breaks and I'm tired of this feeling. At first, it climbed through my legs. It made me more tired than ever because I just wanted to walk away and it kept me still... but it got worse.

After the legs were done, it just kept spreading through my body like a virus I couldn't get rid off

Yet, I now know I can cut it off of me and simply be free again

So... It hurts like hell but I'm doing it! I'm getting rid of the virus... What is this feeling? Pride? If it is pride, then, Julie... I am so proud of you! I knew you could do it!

Goodbye Julie... We'll meet again once freedom is in my sight

Sweet kisses,

Julie