Falling for the Quarterback

{"don't be a stranger"}

I haven't talked to Logan in weeks.

I still think about him though, it's hard not to. I miss him, a lot, but I can't go back to him. I can't do that to myself. I was right all along, but deep down inside I had always hoped that I was wrong. What Logan did really hurt me and I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him for it. 

I think that I may even be more upset with myself than I am at him. I knew what he was like and I chose to look past it or over it, hell I looked around it. All because I he told me I was different, and he treated me different than other girls.

The disappointment I have in myself is crippling.

And to be completely honest, I haven't been coping with it very well.

I've never experienced a proper "heartbreak" before. I've never gotten my heart involved with anything that could make it break, so having actually gotten my feelings involved, it fucking hurts.

I don't know how do deal with it. Some days I act like nothing ever happened and I feel fine, and other days it consumes me so much I can barely get out of bed.

The worst part is that I absolutely hate myself for feeling this way because a large part of me feels like I shouldn't. I don't deserve to feel this way because we were never officially anything to each other.

Needless to say these last few weeks have really sucked.

Logan tries to talk to me about the tree house but I blow him off everytime. I know we still have to work on it but I just can't right now. It's hard enough having to think about him, building that treehouse right now just feels impossible. I can't talk to him or look at him or think about him without wanting to cry. Trying to build this treehouse right now just isn't a good idea.

On a more brighter note, I've been hanging out with Lucas a lot more. He drags me out of the house pretty frequently so that I'm not wallowing, Sophia does too. I will say that even through this whole confusing emotional state that I've been in, I have really good support. Elaine has even done her fair share of offering distractions when she sees me going down a deep spiral. Harry tries, but I can tell he is out of his comfort zone. I am too. Neither of us have gone through this before so we're both just navigating through this as best as we can.

Tonight is one of those nights where Lucas is dragging me out of the house. Someone from our school is throwing their annual halloween party. I really don't want to go. Sophia couldn't even convince me to go. It wasn't until Lucas showed up at my bedroom door twenty minutes ago that I was forced out of bed.

"I hope you're getting dressed" Lucas says knocking on the door.

I roll my eyes as I slip on my black jeans. "I am!" I yell back and hear him chuckle at my response.

I decided to go as a black cat since it's the easiest outfit to put together and I don't have to go shopping for it because it's the same thing I went as last year. I get dressed in my black jeans and long sleeve black crop top with the cat ears. My hair is curled and I put on a minimal amount of makeup, but I feel good.

For the first time in weeks I don't look like the walking dead. I don't have bags under my eyes and I'm not in my regular hoodie and sweatpants. I feel good.

But I'm not sure I feel good enough to be at a party when I know Logan is going to be there too.

I sigh heavily and grab my purse off my bed and then open the door to see Lucas standing a few feet away at the top of the steps.

"You look great!" he exclaims in his fireman costume.

"Sometimes your sisters are better company than you" I say narrowing my eyes.