Underdawgs

Chapter 25

I stagger down the corridor towards our flat, dizzy and exhausted, my head spinning, my mind burning. I'm suffocating and I can't think of anything but the image of Lily's lifeless body.

      Everything has blown up in my face. All the violence, anger and hatred I've felt in my life has come back on me. Lily is dead and the guys are either locked up or in hiding. I have nothing now. All I want is to be by myself, to weep until everything goes away, until it's forgotten and a distant memory. So I'd run in the direction of the only place in this world I have left. I'd run towards the flat.

      I push open the front door and stumble in, tripping on the piece of brick we use to prop the door open. Blindly, I feel my way down the darkened hall to the living room, my hands shaking. I'm about to open the door to Sarah's and my bedroom when a voice from the other side of the room stops me in my tracks.

      'Where the fuck have you been?' Robert is sitting on the couch, his face a mixture of anger, shock and surprise. The left side of his jaw is swollen and he has a black eye.

      I stand there, frozen. I'd completely forgotten about Robert, that he would be here, at home, waiting for Sarah and me to return. Robert jumps up, his face livid, and starts towards me. 'What the fuck happened to you? Where have you been? Where's your sister?'

      A cold shiver runs down my spine. I can't do this; I have nothing left. But Robert doesn't care, he wants revenge for what I've done to him and he won't let me go until he's taken it.

      'Piss off,' I yell at him, backing up. 'Leave me alone.'

      Robert lunges towards me, but I step away, just out of his reach, and bolt out of the living room and down the hallway.

      Robert yells out and I hear the sound of breaking glass as he tries to scramble after me.

      I crash out our front door, slamming into the opposite wall of the landing, and head for the stairs. I can hear Robert's thumping footsteps behind me. I fly down the stairwell to the bottom floor and run out of the building, with Robert still chasing me. I run as hard and as fast as I can, but this time I head away from the park.

      I'm running with everything I have, but the last twenty-four hours start to take their toll. My lungs burn and my legs shake with every inch of ground I cover. I can still hear Robert behind me, but I don't care any more. All that matters is that I do what I have to do, before he catches me.

      My head pounds with all the decisions I've made, all the failures in my life. It has all come down to this.

      Then up ahead I see it. The bridge. Its large concrete structure looms closer as I run desperately towards it.

      I reach the start of the bridge and stumble slightly, feeling Robert's hand swipe the back of my shirt. But he doesn't have a grip and I take off again, heading straight for the railing of the bridge.

      Thoughts of the violence between Robert and I, the fight, the guys and Lily's death bombard my brain. I can't do it any more, can't do any of this. If I could give everything I have to bring her back I would, but I know I can't. Lily's dead and all I can do is follow her to a place where no one can ever hurt us again.

      My foot hits the gutter less than a metre from the railing and I leap, a strange feeling of joy flooding my mind. This is it, this is what I want. No more. No more anger, no more violence, no more feeling like every day is just another desperate struggle to survive.

      Finally I can be free.

      A hand yanks the back of my hoody, causing me to stumble and smack into the metal railing. I rebound hard onto the concrete surface of the bridge, winded.