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pairings

It was easy for Jude to forget where he was, or at least his situation. It was easy for him to pretend like that.

He was reading his book when a nurse came to get him.

-I sat in office that seemed to be a collection of odd pairings. An ornate desk full of drawers only to have a squeaking wheelie chair next to it. Old maps and scraps and movie posters hung side by side on the walls. But the woman in front if me seemed to be one herself. Her hair was grey and course but her skin soft and light. The only wrinkles she had were around her eyes, but they were so deep they resembled scars-

She lead Jude to an office with a big leather couch that if you sat in certain places it was like you were gonna sink right through.

"Your doctor will be in in a few minutes, you can read until he gets here if you want."

The nurse stayed with him, the more Jude thought about it the more logical it seemed. He knew he should probably talk to her. But he just sat there flipping through pages looking for that one moment he needed

-"I'm glad you made your way here, I'm sorry you were a bit, underdressed." She said almost judgingly looking down at the soaking footprints I had left all over the floor." Your in Salem, Massachusetts. You have a gift, one we plan on helping you refining. Tea?"

I looked down at the steaming metal pot, the pot I hadn't noticed a moment before and nodded.

The women held her hands up across her face, twisting and bending her fingers in fantastic ways while muttering something under her breath. Then the teapot started to float in midair, the steam turning into herds of smokin horses running in circles around our heads. I held my hand up to them just for them to dissolve as soon as they touched my fingers.-

"Jude!"

Jude slammed the book quickly, nearly throwing it to the other end if the couch. He looked the man up and down as he caught his breath.

His smile was white, almost blindingly so, but Jude could still see something stuck in his teeth. His beard shaved but his neck was still spattered with stubble. He was just holding it together. Desperately trying to undo his own damage but never getting it quite right.

"My names Dr. Post, you can call me that or Aaron."It was that forced kind of casual, the kind new teachers use on the first day of school before they lose hope. "So your 17, you a Senior?"

"No Junior, just old for the grade."

He nodded and smiled, it felt inappropriate, even if it was an appropriate reaction. He kept making small talk, Jude kept giving vague answers. He wanted to try, but not for the right reason.

"So do you have friends at school?"

"Not really, not anymore."

"Did you before?"

"Yeah."

"Who?"

"It doesn't make a difference, she's not my friend anymore."

"It might make you feel better to talk about what happened."

"I'm not telling you about Emma okay!"

As soon as he said it Jude had to look away, embarrassed he had even let himself say her name. He let his fingers overlap and twist over themselves, contorting them into shapes he hoped would do anything.

"Okay okay, let's talk about something else right now. Your book what's it about?"

"It's about witches, in Salem. There's a girl Julie who finds out she's a witch, she can do magic."

"Thats cool, have you read it before?"

"More times than I know."

"Why?" Jude couldn't tell if it was apathetic or genuine interest, just another stepping stone.

"It feels like, I'm in control."

Dr. Post perked up a bit, like he was about to hear a line straight out of his textbooks. But Jude was fine with that, he was fine if it wasn't Emma.

"That's what magic is. There's this scene.."

Jude flipped through the book frantically, annoyed by its emptiness, void of his colored notes and post-its.

"Its when the main girl Julie is uh, talking with her best friend Aimee at the magic school and, she's saying that not everyone who knows how to do magic can, because it comes from pain? Like if you don't know what it's like to have no control, then you can't control anything yourself."

"So do you relate to that Jude, do you feel like you don't have control."

"There was only one thing I could."

***

When Jude got out of therapy he went straight to the window, he waited for awhile but Steph didn't come

He thought in that moment it was strange he called her Steph and not Stephanie. Everyone always called Emma Em or Emmy, but Jude always called her Emma and nothing else.

Another nurse came to get him a moment later, she had kind eyes and a cold smile, Jude wasn't quite sure how she managed, because such things are usually the other way around.

"Sweetie, I'm bring you to your first group therapy session, right this way sweets."

He followed her , and within another room with grey walls and grey carpet sat a circle of kids looking him up and down. He had seen some of them before, but they had never spoken a word, Jude was usually enough for himself, Steph was an exception.

He sat on a wooden chair with felt coverings over the nails, took in the human collage that surrounded him.

"I'm Ben, I go home tomorrow, and I'm here for an opioid addiction."

Ben had wild red hair and too many freckles to count, but he was here for today, so Jude didn't grow attached.

"I'm Nilla, and if you mention the cookie James I swear to God!" The next girl yelled at the boy aside her in the circle, he was laughing with his hand over his mouth, and she seemed genuinely angry. You wouldn't expect it from her, she had a baby face, seemingly soft around the edges.

"Nilla, remember your exercises." Said a man at the head of the circle, took a second for Jude to realize it was Dr.Post

The girl took several borderline comical breaths before speaking again. "Anger Management and Behavioral Problems."

"James, Daddy Issues."

"James.."

"Depression" he said it matter of fact, pursing his lips and leaning back into his chair.

"Beth, Anxiety, OCD." She said them fast, spitting the words out, her eyes darting across their faces.

Judd adjusted himself in his chair. "Jude, I uh. I."

"Tried to off yourself?" James said.

"How did you?"

"Takes one to know one."

"James be nice to him." Nilla wined, kicking him in the shin.

"One to talk you smashed a window at a Starbucks!"

Jude made eye contact with Beth, briefly. They shared a moment, but Jude still wanted Stephanie to be here with him. But that made him to remember, it was easy to forget where he was sometimes, his reason, but he was reminded Steph had one too.