Ready Set Breathe (A Steve Rogers Destruction Story)

39 RAID

It was freezing, Bucky had been right. Steve stepped outside and felt his breath leave him to the cold, dry air and he could feel it reaching inside him again in an all too familiar way. The wind went right through his jacket and the metal of his shield against his body was icy. He didn’t stop running, but for a moment, it felt like he did because he hit the cold like hitting a brick wall and everything seemed to slow down and when his breath left, time stopped and he was sinking into the Arctic, so alone he could hear his own heart breaking.

There was chaos downtown and once he shook off the shock of the sudden pain, Steve found his teammates with ease. Just follow the destruction.

“Nice of you to join us, Cap!” Natasha shouted over the din and Steve shrugged his shield over his forearm and bent his knees. Another bomb went off behind them.

“Where’s the rest of the bombs?” Steve yelled back. “Have you gotten the civilians out of here?”

“That was step number one!” Clint said from behind Steve. “You already missed it! They’re all long gone! It’s just us and the bad guys now!”

“Good,” Steve replied and then they were swarmed from all sides, people in yellow suits with guns and explosives and Steve was fighting them off, picking through them one by one, even though the cold was beginning to stiffen his fingers and joints and he was just keeping the fear at bay, the way he couldn’t feel his nose anymore and he was beginning to breathe hard, just like then, just like a few years ago when he froze over completely.

Natasha noticed.

In between the fight, taking advantage of a brief lull in combat, she sidled up behind him and pressed her back to his and reached over and touched his arm gently. He wished he could take in her warmth.

“Breathe, Steve,” she instructed quietly. “Do you want to sit out for a while?”

“I can’t,” Steve said back and his breath was shaking. “There’s too many of them, I need to help.”

“Are you sure?” Natalia asked and before Steve could answer, they were back in the throes of attack again.

Meanwhile, the Winter Soldier felt the drain of emotion inside him. He tried to shut it all off, but it was harder than it had been before and while he felt monstrous and dead inside, he couldn’t escape the burning loathing.

Another yellow suit, running at Steve.

Aim

Breathe in

Fire

Breathe out

The yellow suit hit the ground with an splattering of red that the Winter Soldier could see even from where he had positioned himself stories off the ground, behind a darkened window. He wanted to puke, he could feel himself spiraling and suddenly, it was like he had never made any progress at all.

Two yellow suits, going for Natalia.

Aim

Breathe in

Fire

Breathe out

They weren’t going for her anymore.

Steve was fighting off a yellow suit, and there was one creeping up behind him.

Aim

Breathe in

Fire

Breathe out

The Winter Soldier did this again and again and again, until he ran out of ammunition, reloaded with the magazine clipped to his waist and continued. Next shot he fired, Steve was looking up, following the bullet with his eyes and the Winter Soldier sunk deeper into the darkness behind him.

“Bucky!” He heard Steve scream. “Go home!!”

Aim

Breathe in

Fire

Breathe out

He answered Steve with a hail of bullets and bodies of countless yellow suits hit the ground. Going home wasn’t an option, not when Steve and Natalia were surrounded by people who would hurt them, people who would hurt innocents, people sort of like the Winter Soldier. And besides, the Winter Soldier thought, if Steve was worried about the effect it would have on him, he was too late. Going back would change nothing now, he was in it deep, he was sinking into the way he could feel everything muted, everything except for the poisonous self-loathing, and the Hydra insignia was inside the blackness every time he blinked.

He shivered and a cold wind blew through the window. It was starting to snow and it was getting dark. His left arm, usually warm enough with the heat of his body, was frigid to the touch and he cupped his right hand over his mouth and breathed to warm it up. He was freezing, but-

Aim

B-b-breathe in

F-fire

Breathe o-o-out

He was freezing, it was so cold.

He hadn’t had a jacket to take, he had gone there straight from Steve’s apartment, assumed he would be okay, knew this was more important. The Winter Soldier shuddered and grit his teeth and aimed his rifle again.