Ready Set Breathe (A Steve Rogers Destruction Story)

46 Accident

The next morning, Steve was there and he said nothing, just took Bucky by the shoulders and examined his face with a deep frown. He had gotten a call from Natasha earlier and he could see a tired look in Bucky’s eyes and the heavy, dark lines under them. But there was no other evidence of a rough night because, as Steve knew, Bucky didn’t scar.

“Why do you insist on checking?” Bucky said resentfully once Steve pulled away. “You both know I’m fine.”

“Bucky, we need to talk about this,” Steve said and he watched Bucky bristle.

“What’s there to talk about?” He protested. “It was in my sleep, it was an accident.”

“But the times it wasn’t an accident,” Steve said. “The times when you did it on purpose.” The times that you’ve done so often it’s becoming subconscious. Bucky may have thought Steve didn’t notice his discrete downward glance at his right forearm, but Steve followed his eyes and swallowed.

“It’s not a big deal,” Bucky said.

“Yes,” Steve said forcefully. “It is.” Bucky clenched his jaw, growing tense with defensiveness. “Why, Buck?” Steve asked finally. “Why do you do this?”

“It was an accident,” Bucky said.

“Answer me!” Steve cried. “Why!”

“I-I don’t, I… Because I can?” Bucky cried back.

“But that doesn’t make any sense!” Steve said. “Surely it hurts?” Bucky stared into Steve’s face, his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth pressed shut and after a while, he looked away and his face was contorted in pain, and he shook his head.

“No,” he said. “Nu-uh, I’m not talking about this.”

“I don’t get it,” Steve pleaded desperately. “You’re so open with everything else.”

“I’m open because I have to be,” Bucky said, looking back at Steve’s face. “Because I had nothing else to be. But I know how to stop it now, and I have enough of myself to have something to hide! I don’t want to talk about it, I’ll never want to talk about it! And… And that’s it!”

Steve stared at Bucky and felt a torrent of emotion.

“Don’t you feel like suffocating?” He asked breathlessly and Bucky stared at him and his eyebrows furrowed like suddenly, he was confused.

“I-I,” he said. “What??”

“Nothing,” Steve replied. “I’m worried about you. Natasha’s worried about you.” Bucky’s face softened and he breathed in and out.

“I know,” he said and began to blink hard. “I know.”

Steve wished Bucky would talk, almost wanted to beg him, because not only was Steve truly worried for Bucky’s health, but he took strength from Bucky’s willingness to be open, from the way he owned his pain, owned the right to feel it. How could Steve talk if even Bucky couldn’t??

Steve had thought he’d learned how to talk, but he also was under the impression that recovery was only an uphill incline and he didn’t realize just how he could slip and fall. When he did slip soon after, he remembered Bucky and was confused and in pain and thought himself a failure.

Later that day, Steve turned these things over in his mind and considered them until Fury called again and he and Natasha both scrambled to prepare for a fight a few blocks away.

“Stay here,” Natasha was telling Bucky in words between kisses as she hurriedly zipped up her suit and Steve turned away awkwardly as he finished putting on his armour, dreading the cold and the snow beginning to fall outside.

“But-” Bucky protested.

“Stay. Here,” Natasha interrupted and kissed him on the mouth again.

“Fine!” Bucky said.

“Anything to add, Steve?” Natasha called.

“Stay here!” Steve yelled over his shoulder as he pulled his helmet on and began to walk to the door.

“Be careful!” Bucky said back. Why bother? Steve thought. “Promise.” Steve turned around, his shield in hand, and there was Bucky, staring intently into his face. “Promise me.”

“I promise I’ll be careful,” Steve said.

“Promise me you’ll come back alive,” Bucky said.

“If you stay put,” Steve said and Bucky ground his teeth in frustration before agreeing with a resentful, “Fine.”

“Then I promise,” Steve said and before they left, Natasha and Bucky shared one more frantic kiss and Steve grabbed Natasha and dragged her back out with him towards the attack.

He knew how to suffer silently. It hurt, but he was experienced in it and he thought he had begun to move past that, but suddenly, he felt sick to his stomach and he was sinking again.