Edward's Diary

Conversation

Dear Diary,

“Edward, how do you feel about us having another baby?”

An important rule of Survival in the Marital World is to always come up
with responses, and the right ones at that. Questions can be sprung at
you at any instance, and you have to be prepared for them.
“Does this dress make me look fat?”
“Am I right?”
“I just don't think we should do this, do you?”
“Are you lying to me?”
“Really?”
I forgot.
For five years—okay, four—I had trained myself to master the art of
answering questions. Hell, I should have graduated from the University
of Good Husbandry summa cum laude by now.
Well, there goes my degree.
“Edward, say something.” I heard Bella's voice bring me out of my
thoughts, and realized that I was rambling.
Yeah, not a great thing to do when your wife asks you questions that
might potentially change your future.
“Bella . . . I . . . I don't know what to say . . .” I choked out.
Truthfully, she had caught me by surprise. Bella and I had never even
discussed the possibility of another child after Nessie.
Renesmee had been as unplanned as she could have been, but she'd fit
right in. Bella and I had both moulded ourselves into the role of parents
almost overnight, incredulous though that might be. There had been
birthdays, anniversaries, sicknesses, first dates: we'd lived through all
of that, but never had the thought of another child crossed my mind.
“Well, you could start by telling me what you think?” Bella looked
sheepish, and—I thought I might have dreamed it, but I wasn't sure—a
little scared.
“I . . . think that . . . I am thinking about where all this came from?”
I chuckled nervously.
Bella frowned for a moment, and then sighed, breaking away from me and
perching on the nearest boulder, “Truth be told, Edward, I've been been
thinking about this for quite some time.”
Her statement raised more questions than answers, but before I could ask
them, Bella started explaining on her own, “I know I told you, before we
got married, that I didn't ever see myself as having kids. I know I told
you that we could adopt, that I could live without a child and whatnot.
But then . . . I got Renesmee.”
I saw her eyes close and heard her sigh again, only this time she sounded
torn and exhausted, “And it was the greatest feeling ever, Edward. It
felt surreal knowing that there was a life being nourished in me, that I
was creating a child: your child.
“I mean, the first time she moved, it felt . . . otherwordly. There was
this . . . this small flutter inside me, like something churning over . .
. again and again. I know I've told you time and again that I don't think
of myself as someone exceptionally beautiful, and that you disagree. But
that was one of the times when I felt beautiful, Edward. I hadn't needed
any coaxing or prodding. Just the feel of her inside me felt . . .
hauntingly beautiful and unreal.
“And . . . and it only got better as Renesmee grew: she is such a
beautiful girl. It felt good to be a mother, Edward, even if it wasn't in
my plans earlier. I just . . . I wanted to feel that again: that flutter,
that feeling of life in my arms, the joy of being a new mother. I want to
feel it again.”
Her words should have calmed me, and filled me with immense joy. Yet,
hearing Bella asking to be a mother again sunk my heart into the deep
depths of a raging inferno, because we both knew that she could ever
again carry another child. Also, Bella's words, when looked at from a new
angle, meant something else entirely.
“Bella, you . . . you know that I would give you anything you ask . . .
but, love . . . it sounds like . . . like you miss the feeling of being
pregnant more than anything else.”
The expression in her eyes told me that she been hoping I would not catch
it, and that made my heart burn even more. How ironic was it that she
would ask for the one thing that she could not have?
“I do.” She said quietly after some time, “I do miss being pregnant,
Edward. I had never felt anything like it before that. Even if I was hurt
beyond remembrance most of the time, I loved to share that bond with
Renesmee inside me. I felt like she knew me, that she knew you, and every
one else. I felt like she was excited to come out and meet us. I loved
talking to her, Edward. I felt . . . fragile and strong at the same time.
I wish . . .”
Bella trailed off, but I knew what she had meant to say. It was the one
thing that I had hoped she wouldn't ever wish for.
“You wish that you could be human again.” I stated in a flat voice.
“Not entirely, no. I don't miss being human as I wish being pregnant. I
wish I could be pregnant again.”
If her words should have relieved me, they didn't. This was one day that
I had never anticipated coming in our lives. Bella had never given me a
hint regarding her wish, and now, it was too late for her to go back. It
was too late for both of us.
“Bella . . . you know we can't have that. We can't go back.” I murmured,
feeling defeated and low, “This is why I didn't want to change you. You
want to live again, and I can't give it to you. This was the reason why.”
“Edward,” Bella's voice rose an octave, “Did I say that I want to go back
to being human?”
She hopped off from where she was sitting and walked up to me—I secretly
noticed that we'd been apart all this time—and put her hands on my
cheeks.
“I never once said that I regret being changed, Edward. I've never wished
to go back. I am happier than I ever thought I would be, here, with you,
Edward. Why would I want to change that?”
“Then why do you say such things, Bella? You know you cannot be pregnant
again. Why do you—”
“I think this conversation went off into a very wrong direction, Edward.”
Bella closed her eyes, sighed and opened them again, and this time, her
eyes were smiling.
“Edward Cullen, I love you. You: not what you are, but who you are. And I
never regret a day that we spend together. So, with all my heart, and my
soul, I am asking you to consider the possibilty of another child in our
lives. There, happy?”
“I get that, Bella, but how?” I asked her.
“Simple, Edward! We adopt.” Bella smiled at me, and pulled towards where
she had been sitting earlier.
My eyes widened at the idea. Adopt? Truthfully, I had never even
considered the idea. I thought back to the night before our marriage,
when Bella and I had been talking in her room, and she had said that she
wasn't averse to the idea of adopting a child. I hadn't realized that
would come up again in our married life.
“You want to adopt?” I asked from next to her.
“Why not, Edward? I know that I cannot get pregnant again, and I really
want a child, Edward. I know you feel weird because I'm saying it like
that, but, I do, Edward.”
To say that I was stunned would have been an understatement: it was hard
for me to believe what Bella was saying, and for a moment, I wished that
I could read her mind again.
“I bet you want to read my mind.” Bella chuckled.
“How did you know?” I frowned, but a smile graced my lips as I spoke.
“I know you, Edward Cullen. I can tell when you want something. I've seen
that look many a times.” Did I get a hint of pride from her words?
“Do I know you?” I asked, “I mean, I do, but, this took me by surprise.”
“I was too—surprised, I mean—when I realized it. I didn't think I would
ever want more kids, Edward. But what can you say? It just . . .
happened.” She shrugged, and I realized, by the way she was talking about
it, that she had given so much thought it was second nature to her. I
felt a little . . . put off to be honest, partly because I wished I would
have been kept in the know, but I also knew that Bella's mind worked
differently.
“So . . . you want this?” I looked at her from the corner of my eye to
see her smiling, “You want a kid?”
“A baby. Yes.” She nodded.
“Are you sure? I mean, it's a big responsibility, Bella. And it's not
just us; we have to think about the family, Nessie . . . the Volturi.”
“You sound like Charlie, Edward.” Bella laughed, “I know it's a big
responsibility, but it's not like we haven't done this before, is it?”
She was right. We had done this before, and spectacularly, if I might say
so.
“So what? A human baby?” I asked, still a little bewildered at the idea,
but adjusting to it.
“I thought about that for a while, yes. It's just that Renesmee grew up
so fast I didn't even realize where the time went. I wanted to . . .
like, slow down a bit this time.
“But then, there were a thousand factors to consider: I didn't want the
Volturi involved with us in any way again. And I thought about how the
child would notice eventually that we don't age. Plus, moving with a
human kid every four years would be tedious, Edward, and we're not
exactly alone. I didn't want to take any chances, Edward. What if
somebody saw the baby with us, and go running to the Volturi. They would
waste no time in coming here, and we wouldn't even have any excuse.”
Did I mention how proud I am of my wife?
“So, no human baby?” I asked her.
There was no response from her for a while, and I thought she was
thinking it over when she finally spoke, “You sound . . . apprehensive? I
mean . . . do you think this is a bad idea?”
I was taken aback at her powers of perception, but then again, hiding
secrets from Bella had never been easy. I had been hoping, though, that
she wouldn't notice this time.
“Not . . . apprehensive, no. You just . . . I'm just . . . surprised, I
guess. I mean, you've had time to think about this, Bella, I didn't. I
can't just sit here and decide from the throw of a die of we're going to
adopt a baby or not, you see.” I shrugged.
There wasn't just one thing to consider here: there were thousands. We
weren't even a normal family to begin with. Adopting a human baby meant
legal paperwork, visits from social workers, family backgrounds and
whatnot, and I was sure that people didn't go around getting pregnant
with vampire babies. Right now, any angle from which I looked at it made
us a liability for exposure, and we couldn't afford that if we didn't
want the Volturi to rain down on us.
I didn't want to hurt Bella in any way, and I really wasn't averse to the
idea of being a father again, but I wanted to look at the practical side
of things before we made a decision. A baby would most certainly be a
great step forward in our lives, but we had to make sure we were readu to
take it. Renesmee's birth had been a surprise to us—a dangerous one
indeed—and we wanted no repeats of that.
“I don't want to hurt you, Bella. I mean, I'm neither saying that we
never do this, nor forbidding you to think so. I am just . . . asking for
more time. I want you to give me some time to think . . . about all
this.” I said to Bella, all the while holding her close and stroking her
hair.
Bella didn't respond for some time, only looked at the tree in front of
us and frowned, deep in thought.
“So . . . you're saying you're not totally against it?”
“Yes. I will think about it.” I said firmly.
“And maybe . . . when you're ready . . . if you're ready, we can have a
baby.” She nodded.
“Yes. If we are ready, we can have a baby.”
She nodded again, and comprehension finally flickered on her face, “Okay.
You'll think about it. I can live with that.”
I should have known Bella would say something like that, but I couldn't
help but ask, “Really? You can? I mean, you're not angry?”
She chuckled, “No. I understand that I sprung it on you so suddenly that
you were taken aback. It's okay if you need some time, Edward.”
I couldn't control my smile at that. My Bella had always been prudent,
there had been no doubt about that.
“Okay then, shall we go home?” I smiled, and held out my hand for her to
take, only to be glad when she did.
We walked in silence for some time after that, until we could see our
cottage in the distance. Bella leaned against my shoulder and sighed, and
I was happy to know that it was a sigh of content.
“Edward?” She asked softly after some time, “This time, can we get a boy?
If we do get a baby, that is.”
I raised my eyebrow, “A boy? Any specific reason for that?”
“Nothing, just . . . I thought you might need some testosterone after all
this time, someone you don't have to play dress up with.” I could feel
her smile.
“Oh, I remember that.” I laughed with her, remembering the many times
when Renesmee had eventually got bored of her aunts and mother and had
forced me to wear a yellow dress (with hideous red bows, I might add) and
have a tea party with her.
“So . . . a boy?” Bella asked as we reached our front porch, and opened
the door.
“A boy.” I smiled, stepped inside, and closed the door.

Edward