The Bars Between Us

38. Repetitive Cycles

As we exit Spencer's apartment and move down the corridor, I look to Piper excitedly.

"We have something. They left out a detail. Surely..." As if expecting it she instantly squashes it by bringing me back down to reality. Even though I was slightly annoyed earlier by her my perceived negativity, I am grateful now that she is here to keep me grounded, and reasonable.

"We can't bring the case forward just on this point, that they left out a certain bit of information. It will help, but it's not enough. If we find more, then yes, maybe it'll be something that could help us get it back to court. This, in the grand scheme of things, isn't a big problem. They left one thing out, it doesn't mean that they are now falsifying testimonies. It could have just been a slip of the mind. Even so, the fact that they had seemed to have made up the next day doesn't mean anything. Nixon could still have been harboring the resentment and anger. You of all people should know this."

I let out a disgruntled noise but eventually agree with her. She's right, and even though I don't want to admit it, I understand what she's talking about. Roman has proven her point more than once. I've been duped into thinking that he's not angry, and as a result, it's harmed me. I move my hand to my wrist which is still healing and shiver at the thought.

"Come on," I say, disheartened slightly. Why am I pinning my happiness on the outcome of Nixon's guilt? It doesn't affect me, but if he's guilty, I don't know if I would be able to continue visiting him. He's never said outright to me about whether he's innocent or not - I've only made assumptions, but knowing that he's dangerous, I don't really want to associate myself with someone who is proven (in my own mind) of being violent. I need to see and hear the proof myself to believe it, and up until this point, they're only suspicions. You could say that the proof is that he's in prison, but I've not heard or seen anything to say that he did it. There was no physical proof, and Nixon didn't deny or confirm anything when it went to trial. I doubt that I will find anything to prove, physically and forensically, that it was someone else.

I'm trying to find excuses to prove to myself that Nixon is innocent, and that's the reason why I am doing this, so I don't have to face the fact that over the short time I have known him, Nixon has wormed his way into my life, and I have grown attached to him.

I seem to get into this repetitive cycle of giving excuses and not wanting to believe that Nixon has become someone to me. I shouldn't feel like this about someone I have known for a short time, and I know that I am feeling this way because of Roman. He's not made me feel special or even noticed me since we got married, and now the first person that I am attracted to and has given me a small nugget of attention, I have jumped on. Around him, I don't feel threatened, even though I feel like I should. He's an escape from Roman.

I don't want to feel the need to justify everything to myself, but I don't think that will ever leave. Roman has made me feel so insecure about myself, and my decisions.

Piper reaches for me to stop me. She pulls me close and envelops me in a hug.

"You look like you need one," she murmurs in my ear.

I know that this seems repetitive and I can see it. You will find abuse victims (emotional or physical) will justify things to themselves, and will not believe in their ideas. They will have no self-confidence or assurance, as their abuser has been controlling everything that they do, and as a result, they will change their actions for what they do. Victims of abuse also find it hard to trust, and as a result that causes Aphrodite to prove to herself, instead of trusting Nixon or the police's word. They will get into a harmful cycle of negative thoughts. I also believe that Aphrodite's character will latch onto anyone who gives her attention. Does this mean that Nixon and her's relationship is infatuation? Maybe partly. But most relationships start with some sort of infatuation (crushes). When they are able to allow their relationship to flourish and can explore it further, that infatuation should fade and the relationship could then become less of the ideal thing Aphrodite sees it as, and more of the other traits that she has acquired as a result of the abuse will show through... but that's for another time.