Am I Beautiful?

Chapter 5:

Song:

Heart Of The Matter, Don Henley

lyric of choice:

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear

But I knew that it would come

An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone

She said you found someone

And I thought of all the bad luck,

And all the struggles we went through

How I lost me and you lost you

What are these voices outside love's open door

Make us throw off our contentment

And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now

But I miss you sometimes

The more I know, the less I understand

All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again

Ben.

   I don't remember when Tom had left, if he had in fact left, he may have crashed on my couch, I wouldn't have cared either way, it would've been nice to wake up to a nice sight on my couch.

I pull on a cotton grey t-shirt, the stitches stretching to slip over my body, they sounded as if they were screaming wen I fit my head through, but they were silenced when I finished. My legs felt tired, already wishing I could just have one more hour of sleep each night instead of staying up and thinking. My thoughts were never as important as I thought they were at that time, but I don't always regret them like I do now.

Last night I went to bed thinking of his smile, and I tried to convince myself I didn't have a crush on him, that I was just lonely and desperate for companionship that he had and I didn't, that it was my sleep deprived and conscious mind that made bad decisions on what I wanted. That my half awake mind new better than I could when I was fully awake. But when I had finished thinking those thoughts I laughed at myself, knowing I was so stupid to crush on him, but knowing fully well I already had began to.

I shake my head slowly and splash water over my tired eyes, not bothering to wash it properly as I reach blindly for my toothbrush. I wash it down with Colgate mouth wash that leaves my lips burning and tongue with a vague burning sensation that would ruin any hopes of a good breakfast and coffee.

None the less, though tasteless and watery with a mostly off-mint chemical tinge, I managed to down 2 and a half cups of coffee before leaving. My hair stuck in all different curled directions, fringe falling into my eyes. I was almost sad to see he had left whenever he had, but I also felt secure in the fact that maybe he had left before he could see the mess of a hotel room I had made.

The door slams behind me abd I break into a light sprint towards the lift, my arms shaking at my sides until I reach the door, slipping in just before the doors close. I could have waited for another cart, but it seemed like a challenge to slip into those doors, which I had just won.

My breath stopped, shoved up against Tom as we both fell backwards, his face caught off guard and almost scared with surprise. He stumbles backwards against the wall, a small crash sound coming out when he hit the elevator wall. I move backwards as soon as I catch my footing, "Fuck." I mutter under my breath, holding a hand out for him to take.

He grabs my hand and I help him up, pulling him to his 6"2 stature and grimace, "Sorry about that." I mumble. He grinned, and everything was perfect, his teeth like a military graveyard, and I could feel myself falling in love instantly, and I hated it. He raises his eyebrows and I realised I had been staring for quite some time, I look away as fast as I can, dropping his hand, my palms beginning to sweat "Its okay, Ben,  and good morning." I nod in response, my eyes fixed at the ground, "Yeah. It's been an okay morning." I answer as if good morning was a question.

Awkward silence follows us down to the lobby of the huge hotel and out as go towards our cars, "See Ya later!" he waves to me. I wave back in response, "Later!" I promise, thought I'm not sure I want to repeat any situation like this morning.

§¤§

I tapped an aimless beat on the spray painted black arm of my chair, not quite putting any of my attention to the man who called himself a director shouting at all cast members. Which wasn't a very fair title, given he seemed very confused by everything the said. I chuckle at my own joke under my breath, shaking my head in an almost agreement, clasping my hands together and crossing my legs so I could place my laced fingers on top of them.

When he finishes he looks up in thought, "Uhm. I think that's it guys, so Spencer, you're up, you have a scene with-" He stopped to think, though he had just uttered aloud who it was supposed to be three minutes past. I lick my lips to hold in a chuckle, "Troye. Yeah. Sorry, I'm very tired, can I get some coffee?" He said Troye's name as if he wasn't sure it was supposed to be him.

I wouldn't know, I didn't give a shit.

I glance over at Tom and he has his script open, but he's staring at Spencer as he bends down. I cringe and roll my eyes, "You could be at least a little bit subtle you two." I mumble to myself as I pry open my own script, staring at already memorized, black on white lines describing a rather dull seeming movie at the moment.

§¤§

     I fell asleep for about an hour, not really sure why I had to even come in today, my name jolting me out of a dream I was having about playing a cello in front of a rather uninterested crowd.

"Ben, You can go home now." he said, shaking my shoulder, "What? I just got here." I say, sleepily rubbing my eyes. I can make out the face to be Tom's and it makes me smile a bit inside, "Yeah, he's sending almost everyone home cos there's a huge storm coming through and doesn't need us." his voice is slow and almost hypnotic and I find myself enthralled with the vibrations it sends down my spine and into my chest. I stretch my arms out a bit, rubbing my head, "Oh, alright, sorry I fell asleep. " he chuckles and stretches a hand to help me out of my chair, but I refuse it, standing on my own, still petrified by this morning's events, "Don't apologise to me. The director looked sad and so I laughed. At least your entertaining to watch sleep.

his face changes when he says the words, face turning a light shade of pink, "I mean, Ya know not in a creepy way." he laughs it off and I share his blush, "Well shit, Tom, I'm flattered that my fucked up sleeping schedual entertains you." I laugh back and we both play it off like nothing and I wonder if it's the only thing we'll play off as nothing in the future.

§¤§

I hum along to the music that pours from my speakers in my hotel room, dancing around like an idiot to long guitar riffs as I stir my microwaved soup in the bowl. I tap the spoon on the side of the bowl and leave it on the counter to cool down, spinning around as the beat kicked in again, drums pounding like my heart and electric bass lines going lower than my floor.

When the song is over I turn off my iHome it was connected to and bring my soup over to my couch, "Yeah. Okay! See Ya then, Spencer." his words pour into walls and in my ears and I shuffle to find a comfortable way to sit with his voice, I suppose the dorm between us was vacant. I feel my stomach drop when he laughs at something Spencer had said, followed by a series of 'yes' and jumping sounds. He was happy, and that was great. But I was still alone, without him.

a/n: sooooooooo shitty. I know. will be edited soon. sorry.... I am so busy.... :( but I love you guys! cause plenty of trouble and make me proud.

LOKI OUT!

*whooshing sounds as I duck behind a desk preparing for tomatoes to be thrown at me.*

*eagle claws*

*glitter puffs in your face and cookies for all my readers. I love you guys thanks for the 200 some readers!!!*