Melt Away - A Deadpool Fanfiction

S.H.I.E.L.D

"Ridiculously busy day isn't it!" I shouted cheerfully as I busted it into the war room. Everyone turned to stare at me. Yeah sure, look at the guy in the Spider-man-looking suit. Stare at him. He's so fascinating.

"Wade, where the hell were you?" Logan growled, making to stab me. Right. Stabbing me for being late. Or maybe stabbing me for turning up. Maybe they thought I died.

Don't be silly. You can't die.

"Thanks for reminding me of a useless fact." I replied to everyone. Yes. Including Brain. "To answer your question as to where I was, I made a pit stop at a log cabin and had some rabbits with a girl." The truth came out sounding like a lame lie. But in a way, that's how I wanted it to sound.

Yeah because who knows what they would do if they found out about Alix. She's been cut off from civilisation for years. Also, she's mutant.

"Like I needed reminding of that." I said, and everyone shook their heads. Sure, shake your heads because Deadpool is always making up something ridiculous to explain why he was late. Should I also mention that they left me to deal with all the fifty henchmen by myself? Nah, I'd file it in my Blackmail file. It'd be useful later.

"Right. That aside, we have detected a strong signal coming from the forest here. Highly suspected to be mutant activity, we have been requested to do a raid." Nick carries on, pointing to a general area that I recognised. Uh oh. Does it count as jinxing if you've only just thought of it?

Probably.

"Well shit." I said, a little louder than I expected to.

"What is Wade?" Peter asks, scooting in a little closer. I groan.

"That's the log cabin I made a pit stop at." I said, this time a little louder so the entire room heard me. Again, nobody responds. Right. Like anyone ever does.

"The Mutant signal is very strong, so we suspect at leat four mutants to be presen-"

"Actually there's only one girl." I shouted this time. There's no way they could ignore me this time.

"How do you know that?" Fury asked, probably expecting a lame answer from a lame dude. Right. Of course.

"I passed it the other day and decided it'd be fun to check in every now and then. Today, for example. First time I saw her in person too. Girl's name is Alix. And yes, she's a mutant. Also makes very good roast rabbit." I was rambling, but at least I was making a useful contribution. No need to thank me fellas, you never do anyway.

"Yes, well done. Now we are going to need a team of five-"

"Oh c'mon! I just told you she's not dangerous and you just walk all over that!"

"-or six. They might be dangerous. So for this one, I'd be sending Logan, Peter and Wade. The X-Men are also sending in Storm and Shadowcat. To put this simply, don't fuck it up."

"I'm serious! It's just one girl, one person, one mutant. One. And also she just tried to kill herself yesterday by letting herself freeze to death. I mean she's been cut off from the modern society for years on the end, from the looks of her I'd estimate for more than two years! Guys just pay attention for once." I almost yell, and I hate yelling. If I could leap over a table and strangle Nick Fury, I would. Unfortunately, I like to keep myself in one piece. Especially since Alix just fixed me. Peter started dragging me out kicking and screaming like some spoilt little kid. Yeah right. Time to play guidance counsellor!

"Okay we get it Wade. Sadly, Nick isn't going to listen to you. Actually, nobody is."

"Real comforting Spidey."