Death by society

C h a p t e r : 3

Dedicated to HazelEyedMuslimah for being my biggest supporter.

It's one a.m. and I sit on the edge of my window, staring at our driveway. The insomnia has come back for me and this time with a vengeance. I will time to pass, just so that I can numb my mind.

I frown at my thoughts. I don't really understand it. I'm numb but I was numb before as well. Although it feels different.

When the depression hit- or at least I'm guessing it's depression- the numbness had a sort of melancholy to it. As if I had swallowed a bag of rocks, but at the same time it was like a fur coat; it was dead but it kept me warm.

But the numbness now. It's like I'm not real, as if I'm just an illusion. I can't grasp anything.

I don't know how to feel. I want to cry but no tears come out. I want to scream but my voice dies down. I want to pull my hair to feel the pain yet I want to runaway to escape the pain. I wait for sleep to envelope me in it's arms yet I avoid sleep at all costs. I hated the depression and the emptiness it brought yet my heart yearns for it, if just to feel that paralyzing numbness.

I am a walking paradox. And I don't know what to do. I am lost and I don't know if I want to be found, yet I'm pounding on this box that cages me to let me free. I am afraid of my independence yet I crave it more than I can explain. I am determined to succeed yet I couldn't be bothered to try.

I wish someone would ask me what's wrong but I never want to tell my feelings.

And every time I listen to my thoughts I want to tear myself apart because of how pathetically whiny I sound. I hate being ungrateful but I'm too selfish to stop.

I know that they're trying but I can't help but be angry at them for not doing enough. I love them but I don't like them. I'm lonely but I wish to be alone.

My thoughts are scattered, continuously jumping from one thing to another and I can't keep up.

I have friends-my brother being my best friend-but sometimes it feels as if I'm not important enough to them. I can't do anything because it feels like I'm forcing the friendship. And I don't want to do that. So I suffer alone.

I know that I'm being ridiculous.

Ayaan was being nice-as usual. He offered to cancel his plans to help me clear out the garage. And that pisses me off. He shouldn't be nice to me, I don't deserve it. I'm an arrogant, stubborn idiot.

But he's Ayaan and no matter how others' treat him, the guy is too damn good to be cruel. I guess when we say we're fraternal twins, we mean it in every sense of the word.

I examine my hand, fingering the scabs left behind.

I had managed to hide the bandages for all of ten minutes before someone noticed, and by someone I mean Ayaan.