#AmidstTheHeartWP
Hole
As I entered that funeral home for Julia's visitation, I quickly felt that big, raw hole growing in my chest. The heaving, surging waves of grief demands to be felt.
The brightness of the room and the flowers surrounding it feels so surreal. There were also a lot of people who came to pay respects and I can feel the weight of their stares they're giving me but I don't mind. My eyes were focused at the center of the room.
Nagbalik sa isipan ko ang huling pagkikita namin ni Julia noong sinorpresa niya ako sa pagpunta niya sa Amerika. When she appeared out of nowhere, I remember running towards her like I'm running for my life. I quickly enveloped her in my arms and told her how much I missed her. Pero bakit ngayon, ang hirap hirap lumapit patungo sa kanya?
When I finally summoned the courage to approach the casket, I slowly walk closer. Each step I take, I feel like I'm falling deeper and the surroundings just getting darker and darker. My hands were shaking badly and coldness crept all over my body.
It's just too much to process at once. It was unbelievable that I'm here right now, attending my best friend's funeral wake.
I always have the image of her full of life in my mind, but it differs so drastically from her casket presentation. The casket was just open with her body lying there. She didn't looked like herself. Ibang iba na ang mukha niya dahil sa kapal ng make up na ginawa sa kanya na halos hindi ko na siya makilala.
Maybe, they did that to cover up those stitches that she got from the accident. This is not how I wanted to remember her. I felt like I was going to pass out, the shock of seeing her this way is too much. Parang bumabaliktad ang sikmura ko at hindi nagfa-function ng maayos ang utak ko.
This is why I personally don't like going to viewings. I want to preserve the memory of the deceased the way I remembered them and not lifeless or damaged. Ayokong tumatak sa isipan ko ang huling beses na makikita ko ang mukha ng pinakamatalik kong kaibigan sa ganitong paraan. I wish I could unseen that and get that image out of my head. I'll forever have that horrible image of her in my head.
"Aneeza?"
Before I could even passed out, someone called my name and dragged me back to reality. I turned around to see who it was and saw Tita Margara-Julia's mom. Ibinuka ko ang bibig ko pero bago pa ako makapagsalita ay niyakap na niya ako at napahagulhol na sa aking balikat.
"Thank God, you're here... You're here for Julia...for the last time," she said while sobbing.
I should be wailing with her, right? Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit ayaw nang tumulo ng mga luha ko. Tuluyan na bang naubos ang mga ito? Napagod na rin ba ang mga mata ko sa walang tigil na pagluha nito? Posible ba 'yun?
When she pulled away, she raised her welling eyes to me. I treated Tita Margara as my second mother and seeing her like this now makes my heart hurt. Mas nasasaktan ako para sa kanya. Kung masakit sa akin ang pagkawala ni Julia, tiyak na triple pa ang sakit na nararamdaman.
"Julia is..." she trailed and with one big convulsive shudder, she quickly covered his face with her hands. "...she's gone. Iniwan na niya tayo,"
Siya ang unang nagbalita sa akin ng pagkamatay ni Julia. Hearing her say those words again felt like I have been stabbed for the nth time. Maagang namatay ang papa ni Julia so she was raised alone by her mom. Nag-iisa siyang anak kaya ngayong wala na rin si Julia ay nag-aalala ako para kay Tita Margara.
Who would take care of her now?
I pulled Tita Margara on my arms and gave her a comforting hug. I patted her back and hugged her tight. Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat sabihin. I want to say that it's going to be alright but I know it's a lie. Panahon lang ang makapagsasabi kung kailan maghihilom ang sugatang puso.
